Confessions Of A Geordie Lass

Theres something wrong with me

2011-05-23T13:53:00.001-07:00

I can't put my finger on it, I can't understand why I'm feeling like utter crap.

Well, theres been a few things, boys, mothers, exams, you know, the usual, but I've never been this down and out about it all before, I've never not wanted to be around the people I love, I've never wanted to stay in bed all day and hope to god that no one tries to get me out, I've never wanted to sit on my own and cry.

But here I am doing all of thee above, and I have no logical explanation to why I am doing it.

It sucks, that's all I can say, so here is a playlist of the songs that are tearing me up inside at the minute.

miserable at best - mayday parade
for the first time - the script
fucking perfect - pink
runnaway - pink
just the way you are - bruno mars (don't ask, too much detail to it!)
always attract - you me at six

and basically I've been listening to thse on a loop, and I know that the logical solution is to just stop listening to them and listen to something more uplifting, but you know when you're just not in the mood to listen to anything else, so it looks like I'm stuck with these for a while

Oh to be beautiful

2011-05-02T03:42:00.000-07:00

I don't care what anyone says, Tyra Banks was just as beautiful before she lost loads of weight. In my opinion, you don't have to be skinny to be beautiful.

The other day I was made to buy a crop top. Now people who know me know that I'm no size 8 super model, so needless to say I was abrehensive about getting it because I'm not all too keen on showing a bit of flesh, and even now I'm wearing it thinking "can I really pull this off?"
But realistically, I'm not hanging over my jeans, infact, my jeans are too big for me, and although I'm not all that toned, I'm not exactly round, and I'm proud of my curves, so the answer is yes, I can pull it off.

People have told me in the past that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. My beholder tells me I'm beautiful whenever he gets the chance, and although I don't offen believe him, it gives you quite the confidence boost, and as soon as that confidence is injected into me, I feel far better about myself, I don't feel as big, or dry skinned, or limp haired, I feel like I'm loved because of who I am, I feel like I've grown into my body and now I suit it, I can't see myself anyother way.

so I guess that the key to beauty is confidence. You can be as big or small as you like and you'll still be beautful.
:)

good craic, mama mia and baby spoons

2011-04-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Trust me, I'll be the first one to throw my hands up and admit that over the past few months all I've bitched and moaned about is what has been going on with my mother and I. Sorry guys, but that's not about to stop here. Because to be honest, if I don't fully bitch off here, where can I do it. I mean sure, I can bitch and moan to friend and family and randomers who I causually bump into on the bus home (I don't do the latter btw) but I can't really tell them the whole lot because then I just feel like I'm being self absorbed and what not.

Anyone who knows me (and you don't even have to know me well) will know that I don't exactly tell you everything when you ask me what's wrong, but isn't that usually the case? Isn't there always something you want to keep to yourself, because you don't want other people to know how vunerable you're feeling?

Sure I laugh and joke on about it and everything when I'm talking about things that have upset me with my friends, but that's because if I don't laugh and take the piss, the likely hood is, I'm going to cry, and trust me, you don't want to see me when I cry, it's not the most attractive thing you'll ever see in your lifetime.

But this blog isn't about bitching and moaning about my so called life and blah blah blah, this blog is a big thank you to all the people you have taken the time to notice that when I'm laughing and joking on about the latest thing someone has done to hurt me, that I'm actually really upset about it inside. You know who you are, and I know that you're probably reading this. I don't really do well with expressing emotions in person, so I figured that this is the best way for me to tell you that I appreciate you being there for me, even though we don't really know each other that well

Thank you x

When the past digs itself right back up again

2011-03-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

So this week at college will be pretty easy, on the grounds that I will barely be there, woooooooooooo :D

Today I went to a school with my geography class to teach small children about climate change, and it's affects. It was all good, we were a bit nervous at first, but as time got on, it got easier and easier, and even though the rest of my group really struggeled when a small class of disabled children came over, I was really in my eliment. I honestly believed it spurred my intention of becoming a teacher....

...That was until the past reared it's ugly chavvy head.

we got this class of about 7 kids, and they were all relatively canny. Not one bit of backchat, or snide comment, they were lovely, apart from this one little girl. Now, this little girl didn't make any snide comments, or be horrible in any way, apart from whispering to the equally chavvy girl sitting next to her, and looking at me and laughing, it was just the way she looked at made me instantly dislike her.

Okay, that sounds awful, let me explain myself.
Back in my old school, I was bullied by a chavvy girl, with an equally chavvy name. After a while, I realised that if it should ever come down to it, I could easily destroy this girl, but I prayed that it would never come to that, because I knew as much as I had the pyscial strength to take her on, I would never be able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I was intimidated by this tiny little girl, just because she reminded me of someone who used to bully me. It's kinda weird, because I was like, the member of authorty, I had more control over her than she did over me, so why was I still scared of her.

Stupid bloody kids -_-

I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet

2011-03-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

It's beyond weird when you wake up in the morning, have a nice shower, feel good about yourself and can't see anything wrong with the life you're living and then by the end of the day, be sick of your life.

Thats how my day has been.

I'm finding things hard at the minute. Nothing in particular really, just everything. I don't know whats got me like this really. I mean, I have everything I could ask for: good friend, lovely boyfriend, nice family (the majority of it) and a pretty active social life, but right now, I'm just not seeing the point anymore. I honestly think theres something wrong with me :P

Something that pretty much everyone should know about me is that I'm very paranoid and I have some serious trust issues. It all goes down to one thing really. I mean, I blog, but I'm under no false illusion that a)anyone (bar a few) actually give a fuck what I'm yabbering on about and B) What goes on here is secret and private. It's the internet for god's sake, of course it's not private.

In sociology today, I just wasn't with it. Its not that I didn't want to do the work, it's just I couldn't see the point of doing the work. I know it's obviously important, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it, but like I said, I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything at the minute.

A lad in my lesson sniggered when I said I used to keep a diary. Is that sad? Not the sniggering thing, but the keeping a diary thing?
Come to think of it, it does seem a little bit sad that I felt I couldn't talk to people that I had to write everything down in a little A5 polka dot notebook, but I can't even do that anymore, because it's got to the point where I can't even trust my Diary, or more to the point, people around my diary.

My last diary got read, ripped up, vandalised and bitched about by my own mother. I honestly think that this is where the trust issues stem from?
I don't know anymore to be honest

Oh you do make me laugh

2011-01-31T12:49:00.000-08:00

So I had a pretty boring day
....until I signed onto formspring!
and I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life. Honestly, some of the questiosn people ask you are hilarious. They've made my day..if not creeped me out somewhat.

So heres to the anom formspringers, you have good craic

oh...and is it more than one person asking me questions?

Little Hans....okayyy normal

2011-01-28T04:11:00.001-08:00

I've just been told off for playing on farmville in college.

Anyhoo. In pyschology I've been learning about Freud and his study on Little Hans.
Basically, Freud was a crack addict who believed that all little boys go through the oedipus complex around the age of 5 (and apperently girls do to, only it has a different name), and while going through this complex little boys will because sexually attracted to their mothers, want to 'get there dad out of the way' and want a bigger 'widdler'.
Freud basically said that the Id (the want want want side of consiousness) of Hans wanted to have sex with his mother, kill his dad and sister and what not, but the Ego of his consiousness was saying "you nutter, you can't possibly do that." and this is why Hans had strange dreams about Girraffs in bed, marrying his mother and plummers.

There is no real reason to why I am blogging about this, only really to point out that from the early age of 5, all boys think with their dicks.

I wish I could tell you this.

2011-01-23T11:43:00.001-08:00

Dear Mam,
Is it really too much to ask to be treated the same as my brother? I know before I moved out I said that I felt second best to him, and the past 4 weeks has reenforced that feeling.

It might seem selfish, or petty, but why didn't you take me out for my birthday? Why didn't you even phone me. All I got was a text, and that was it.
Please don't spin the bullshit that you spent a lot on my birthday. I know my Driving licence was expensive, but you gave my brother that exact amount in money and you took him out for his birthday.
Matthew says that I can't have the best of both worlds, and I would get that if he got the same treatment, but he doesn't. You took him out for his birthday, and when he came over to dads, dad took him out for his birthay. Am I being selfish to want that aswel?

And as for not inviting me to matthew's birthday due. At first, I was pissed off, but now I'm just plain hurt, because you of all people, you, who I spent god knows how long complaining to when Dad took matthew to the football and left me on my own, should know how upset I get when I'm deliberatly excluded. It hurts and you didn't even think to text me to let me know of the plans.

I know that I should probably phone you, or text you to explain all this to you, because despite having all these issues with you, you're still my mother and I still want to have a realtionship with you, but why can't you pick up the phone and do it. After all, I'm still your daughter and you still want to have a relationship with me. I'm sick of being the one to make the effort to get in contact only to have it thrown back into my face.

Do you know how shit it makes you feel watching every girl in your class getting texts off their mothers wishing them luck for the exams and being the only girl staring blankly at her phone, just waiting for it to flash with a good luck text, and still be waiting for it after the exam thinking that it might just be network delay?

Why did you have to take the piss out of my dyslexia at christmas and new year?
Why did you have to degrade me?
Why did you have to hurt me?

from
your daughter

When life was so simple

2011-01-17T12:37:00.000-08:00

Fair enough, when this photo was taken it was all stress stress stress.
But looking back now, it wasn't so hard compaired to life today. I would give anything to be going back to that study every morning, even wearing that uniform, rather than having to live my life now.

Everything was so simple back then

Okay, here we go...

2011-01-13T05:41:00.000-08:00

so for my english coursework I'm having to write a 1000 word literary text about anything I want.

I've called it "Confessions Of A Geordy Lass" Because I thought, what would be easier than writing about my own life? And since I do a blog (unsuccsessfully) I thought it would a relatively good idea.

So as it turns out, I've already started it, and I have every intention of turning it into something big....
....well I say something big, I mean, every week...or month, I am going to put the latest installment up onto my blog.

However, as I have not entered as coursework yet I don't think I'm going to do it yet, just incase they think I've copied it off the internet or something, which is bound to happen :LL

so anyway, Just thought I'd let you know about that if anyone happens to be bothered about that subject.

Why are london buses red???

2011-01-13T05:32:00.000-08:00

Well you'd be red to if you had to come every 10 minutes

(makes me laugh every time)

Harlequin ichthyosis

2011-01-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time complaining about the many skin conditions I have, Exzma, Dermititous, Psoriasis and Folliciuitous. More than a lot of time, a stupid amount of time. I complain when It flares up, I complain about the medication, I complain that it isn't attractive. In fact, tomorrow I have to go to the doctors because the skin around my eyes has come extreamly painful and imflamed.

But today I re-descovered Harlequin ichthyosis (I'm not sure if that's spelt right). I had heard about it before, well, more like seen someone on the Jeremy Kyle show once who had it, and words cannot describe how guilty I felt when it hit me how hard it must be to live with this condition.

Harlequin ickthyosis is a sever skin condition. It is when the skin of a baby becomes really thick and dry. Where "normal" skin folds (as in the crook of your elbow, knees ect.) Harlequin skin cracks, think about how extreamly dry land cracks, in fact, it cracks pretty much all over, making movement very very hard. The eyes, ears and nose of the baby is very underdeveloped and in some cases not even visible. The eyes are pretty much completely red, and their dry lips are pulled back into a somewhat scary grimace. I'm not going to lie, when I saw a photo of a harlequin baby I was so shocked, I honestly thought that it was some sort of joke that someone had played on photoshop, but now I realise that it is no laughing matter.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on this, considering I've only just looked into it, but I know how much I scream and cry in pain when my exzma cracks, I can't begin to imagion how much pain these people must go through daily, and not once have I heard of these people complaining about how much pain they're in.

so henceforth, I am making it my New new years resolution not stop complaining about my skin and make an effort to me more considerate towards others.

...

2011-01-02T07:04:00.000-08:00

so I feel like crap. I always mess up and take things too far. I didn't mean to hurt him, or offend him, but I did, and as usual I'm being the clingy, needy girlfriend and phoning, texting, emailing the works, just trying to make thing better, and all of my attempts are in vain because he doesn't want to talk to me, which i fair enough because I am a complete and utter bitch, I shouldn't have been so harsh and, just, URGH.

why do i always do this??

Because I'm not pathetic or anything like that...

2010-12-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

In english today we watching "infamous" which is about Truman Capote's journey writing "in cold blood" which is a rather good book. I'd done a bit of background research before watching it, because I basically want to have some sort of insight to what influences Capote's writing, and I'm not ashamed to say, I actually cried twice at said movie.
It was just so sad! so so sad.
I won't ruin it for you incase you do decide to watch it, but it was amazing.
I'll just leave you with this image. Yes, that is Daniel Craig kissing Toby Jones :P

Kids these days...

2010-12-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

....Yet again I haven't exactly remained loyal to my blog...mainly because I've been doing a vlog and I've been so busy with college and work and stuff, I haven't really found the time to blog, which sucks.
So I have a few things to update on since the last time I blogged.
I recently found out i'm dyslexic, therefore if my spelling or grammar is really bad, then I'm not having a bad day, so I'm sure you'll find it in your heart to forgive me :D

so, first things first.
This is just a small shout out to Rebound girl, if your reading this, hi, now please, stop stalking my blogs, I like that people are reading my blogs, don't get me wrong, I like that you're interested, however, interested for a whole different reason, now please, stop reading my blog, and stop lying to me, and stop contacting me, I want nothing more to do with you.
You know who are.

Anyway....
TIM MINCHIN!
ON SATURDAY!
ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so excited, like really really excited, that man is gorgeous, if I don't marry M , or Hailey Williams, then I'm marrying Tim Minchin.
not only am I seeing him, but I'm sitting like 4 rows from the front, and I'm not going to wear shoes, just for the irony :LL

anyhoooo I'm off because I'm watching my Tim Minchin Ready For This dvd :)
go buy it...or illegaly download it, whatever I don't care, just watch it, it's amazing :)

love you
xxx

Oh Brother...

2010-08-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

It hit me today that no matter how old you are, and whatever the curcumstances, you always need your siblings.
They're are the ones that share your life with you, good times and bad. They'll be in pretty much every chapter of your life, heck, some chapters might even be all about them.

I have two brothers. My first being Matthew, the brother to which this blog is dedicated. I couldn't have asked for more of him today. When I needed him, he was there. We cried together, and for he first time in a long time, we hugged. Today was the day I left home. I went to my mother's to collect my things and transfer them to my dad's where I am living now.
Now, I'm not going to go into details to why I have moved out, but we can safely put it down to an argument that got out of hand.
I'm not going to try to make myself seem like the victim in all this, because I'm not completely innocent, I have my faults and I put my hands up and admit that. But anyway, Matthew helped me carry my things to the door, even when our mother was telling him to leave me, and he even stood between us as we screamed at each other and tried to stop us arguing.

The only words I clearly remember from today's ordeal was the words he spoke to me before I left the house. We were both crying, although in very different ways ( I was sobbing quite hard without bothering to try to hide it because come on, what was the point, and he was being all manly about it, trying to not let it show ) and we were waiting for my dad's car to turn around when he said,
"Just promise me one thing...You'll look after Joseph the way you looked after me"
That one sentence still brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat everytime I stop to think about it. It broke my heart to drive away from him, but I had to, otherwise I would never have done it.

I know I'll still see him, of course I will, and who know's, maybe not seeing each other so often will help us stop arguing all the time.
So, Matt, if you ever read this, Thank You for being there for me all the times I've needed you, and thanks for not holding grudges, and I know I never tell you, but I do actually love you, believe it or not :P

x

I am not proud of myself AT ALL

2010-08-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to be proud of to be honest. I've spent the last few days feeling sorry for myself, watching Sex And The City and lying on the sofa thinking about getting a job. I did do a CV and filled out a couple of application forms, but right now I can't bother myself to do anything.
I have to go to my mother's tomorrow and collect a couple of my things. Oh yeah, I should explain that. I've been kicked out and am currently living with my dad. It isn't as bad as it seems, I've had a lot of support off by friend's, without them, I would be completely fooked, which wouldn't be good.
I'm bricking it for tomorrow I really am, I don't know how she's going to react to me showing up there.
Also, I know this is going to sound silly, but I've been having bad dreams about getting bad results on result day. If I don't do well, I'm going to be so dissapointed. I'm not bothered about french, I know I'm going to fail that any way, so I'm not all too bothered, but my Grandad was saying ealier this week "I bet you get A's in everything" Talk about pressure.
So that got me thinking
Why does people's opinions matter so much?
They shouldn't really, We should do our best for our selves, not because someone else says we should be good at something. Really, we should aim to acheive our own goals, not the goals out parents or friends set for us. Maybe if we did that we wouldn't feel so dissapointed if we don't achieve the goals we set, because then we're only letting our selves down and not everyone else, and I think that's why people get upset when they don't do as well as predicted, because they care too much about what other people thing of them.
So all I can say in conclusion is that in future we should set realistic goals for ourselves, and not set them because others tell us that we should be achieving more

Seriously, you guys puzzle me!

2010-08-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

What is it with you guys out there? Why do you insist on confuzing me beyond belief? I'm only one girl, I can't work you out on my own, and I'm pretty sure that if I and all the other girls in the world should team up we still wouldn't be able to understand you'se!

So what's brought this on you may ask, well, I was at a spectacular wedding yesterday, I had a brilliant time, I enjoyed being with my friend, meeting new people and you know, general wedding stuff. My friend has a new Step-Brother(lets call him PBoy), he's an awesome guy, funny, chatting, he can sing and I know neither he or my friend will mind me saying that he is a looker. He is also in a relationship.

Like all Relationships, his is facing what may be classed as a bit of a problem, but it's clear he still loves his girlfriend very much, and she loves him in return. However, My friend has a cousin(lets call her EGirl), who is in no way blood related to the guy in question. She's very pretty, very funny and a good laugh to be around, I can't say I know her well seeing as I only met her last night, but she made a good first impression and I thought she was a nice enough girl.

When back up in our room at about 2am (EGirl had gone home by this point)PBoy confessed that he had a bit of a school boy crush on EGirl. Fair enough right? Everyone is allowed to have a bit of a crush on someone their not with, as long as you stay completely faithful to your partner. That when PBoy said something that shocked me to my core. I won't repete what he said, but I wasn't impressed at all. I didn't want to tell him that I didn't think what he was talking about wasn't fair, because lets face it, I'm a whimp, but yeah.

How can you be so happy in a relationship, so in love, then considering doing something that could potentally ruin your life? It seems stupid. I know that it's not only guys that do that, so please don't think I'm being baised, because I know girls can pretty much screw up there relationships with decent guys by making silly decisions, I just don't understand it myself.

Also, somemthing that is bugging (and if someone, ANYONE, can help me understand this I would be very grateful) My boyfriend bought me an amazing gift the other day, I was so happpy I nearly cried when I was in the house on my own. He sent tme lovely texts and told me he loved me right up until I fell asleep. Then the next day he blanked all my texts, he didn't bother trying to get in touch, it just seemed like he really couldn't give a damn. I don't know what he means by it, and just URGH!

Anyway,
Au reviour
Mes Amis

J'adore Tu (:
xxx

Secrets are meant to be told, and Promises are made to be Broken

2010-05-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

So this weekend hasn't been as bad as I inntaially thought it would be, you see, I have been pretty much kicked out of my house again and being made to stay at my Father's house until Monday, because apperently Mother Dearest "needs a break" and "he can look after you for a change."
Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed with this if I had been told to my face, but you see I got it Via text, honestly, the text said

"You are both (meaning me and my brother) staying at dads til Monday, i need a break he can look afta yous for a change."

How loved do I feel please? I guess what annoyed me the most is that my mam and her fiance went to york for the weekend two weeks ago, leaving me and brother behind. So, Yeah, parents need a break once in awhile, they may feel the need to load the kids onto the grandparents or the father or someone, and just go away for a weekend and relax, but you see, my mother and soon to be step-father go away alot, not far, to york, or durham, sometimes wales, but it's been five-six years since me and my brother have been on holiday with our mam (we went on holiday with our dad last year for the first time, but mam just goes with her fiance).

So maybe I sound selfish? I guess I do, but just once, it would be nice to be included in my mother's plans. I know where this is all comming from by the way. Me and my mam had an argument on thuesday, which lasted till thursday, and then we were good up until saturday when she decided to get rid of us.

This is were the title of the blog comes in.
Secrets are meant to be told
Well, the last time me and my mam had a major argument, I went to stay with my dad for a while, and while I was there he told me many things that my mam hadn't told me. Like how she stopped my dad from seeing me and my brother for like 6-8 weeks, and the abusive texts she had sent him, things that I was too young to remember. What hurts the most is that she lied to for all these years, like she always told me that she had never stopped my dad seeing me, and that all the times he hadn't seen me it was all his fault, when in truth, they were just as bad as each other.

Promises are made to be broken
This may seem petty to you, but to me It's a big thing. About a year or so ago my mam and soon to be stepfather went to wales, and they told me about a big Doctor Who musem that they wanted to take me to, because I'm a huge Doctor Who geek ^^
Well, later that day me and my mother were talking and I told her how much I would like to go to the musem, and she promised that sometime after christmas that year that just me and her would to wales and she would take me to the musem. Well she never did, and it hurt me that she broke that promise, because all I really wanted to do was spend a long weekend with just my Mam, because we never really get to do that....

So yeah, That was a pretty pointless rant, but I really wanted to blog about it, because I don't know if I'm just being petty or I do infact have every right to be a little pished off?
So have you ever been lied to, or had an important promise broken?
I know I won't get many answers to my questions, I never really do, but it would be nice if I got a couple of comments :)

anyway
ttfn mes amis (: x

I REALLY NEED TO STOP DOING THAT

2010-05-11T05:52:00.000-07:00

I promise myself that I'm going to blog regually...and then I don't, and then I dissapoint myself ):
silly me
So yeah, how's things fellow bloggers?? I have to tell you, things aren't so great here, but I'm not going to mope about because that never ever gets me anywhere, and I always annoy myself (and others) when I mope.
Instead I will play hours and hours of just dance, because as I found out yesterday, by tiring myself out with physical exercise like dancing like a loonie for hourrrrrrrrrrs I tend to forget what I'm supposed to moping about, untill I go to bed and then I remember, but then I end up worrying myself to sleep, and the next morning I'm too tired to care about anything (:

Can I ask, what do you do to chill yourself out or forget things??
Also, this blog has a special shout out for my good friend Grace, She did something very nice today and it made me smile alot and feel a bit better about what I was moping about (They don't have just dance in school so I couldn't dance myself into a coma). Grace came up to me, hugged me, and gave me a big bar of chocolate, the only thing that was missing was her bed (Don't get the wrong idea, I tend to sleep at Grace's house alot and I have adopted her bed because it's just so damn comfortable) and her iTunes. Then she made me talk about it, and that was good also, because I hadn't really spoke to anyone about it, aside from Lou Lou but then we were outside so I couldn't really break down and tell her everything, and Lou Lou doesn't handle crying very well :P no offence Lou Lou (:

anyway...what are your plans for the rest of this week my dearies??

ttfn mes amis
xx

I neglect my poor blog ):

2010-04-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to I swear, I just do ): Not that anyone reads these things anyway, but yeah whatever.
Right well, I'm going back out with The Ex, needless to say, my mother isn't happy, she had a good ol' rant about him and how I'm an Idiot and how he's no good and stuff, but yeah, it's my choice and stuff isn't it? So yeah...
Will someone please tell louise that she has to go to prom? She just has to!!!
Oh yeah, and My plea to Cute Geek Guy to get him to go to prom (okay, I know that makes me sound terribly desspirate, but I wasn't asking for my sake, I was asking for my friend's sake, and It wasn't just me pleading, My other friend was aswell) Failed misserbly, He is insistant that he doesn't do dancing and socialising, which sucks really ): He thinks that we were joking when we told him We wanted him to come, but we wern't ): We genually want him to be there.

Anyway, I have to be off because I have french in a few seconds, although I'm quite looking forward to it, because Madame is stuck in Cyprus due to the volcanic ash and stuff, and so we have no idea what we'll be doing or who we'll have.

Ta Ta Mes aimes
x

Long Time No See / Sound Track Of My Life

2010-03-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a while. Due to the not so recent death of my laptop, i've been finding hard to get access to the internet and therefore being unable to blog, which isn't good because I have so much to talk about!

So, about two weeks ago I started talking to my ex boyfriend again. I know what you're thinking "Why in gods name did you do that?" and the answer to that is, I have absolutly no idea! Seriously, I don't know what possesed me. Maybe it was jelousy that my friend was talking to him, or maybe it's because I couldn't hold back much longer, I guess I'll never know.

I landed myself in a big mess when I asked if he would be intrested in a date with my friend. He said no because he never really got over me. So here I am sitting next to my friend thinking ohpoo,ohpoo,ohpoo!!! What am I supposed to say to her? I tell her he didn't text back. I ended up telling her that He did text back but he said no because he has strong feelings for someone else, I couldn't tell her it was me....

So I went to see the Ex after a few nights of soppy text messages to each other and alot of tears and confusion. I'll spare you the messages because you might just be sick on your computer and I don't want that to happen, but I'll tell you that he said that he still loves me and I still love him.

we went out as just friends and let me tell you, it was good to see him again, and just as a friend too because it cleared my head alot. I still love him, but I have much more important things to be worrying about such as school and college to be worrying about a relationship with my Ex right now.

Anyway, I'm going to get onto my soundtrack for this week, because It seems to me that I've neglected it a little.

10) Northern Downpour - Panic! at the Disco

9)What Your Boyfriend Said - Little Man Tate

8)Lithium - Nirvana

7)Poker Face - Lady Gaga (the one on live lounge, not the origonal)

6)Love Song - Four Years Strong

5) Turn It Off - Paramore

4)Same Jeans - The View

3)Read My Mind - The Killers

2)I don't care (this is why we can't have nice things) - The Blackout

and the song of the week this week is....

1) New Shoes - Paolo Nutini

I absolutly love this song, it is like the ultimate feel good song. I just love paolo nutini in general because he has an amazing voice I less than 3 him (l)

and the song of shame this week is....

Party In the U.S.A - Miley Cyrus.
Seriously girl, grow up!

AND stop posting raunchy phtots of yourself on the internet if you want to be respected as a person you just don't do that, it's not right, your supposed to be a girl that smaller girls look up to and be all, "One day I'm gonna be just like Hannah Montana". Yeah I wouldn't want to be like you thanks.

Sound track of my life

2010-02-17T11:49:00.000-08:00

Due to the recent death of my laptop, I havn't been able to post a new blog ): isn't that naff? not good at all.

So I had alot of problems picking my favourite songs this week because i just can't pick them. AND it took me a long time to pick a song of shame too! What is the world coming to people?

So anyway, lets give this a shot shall we? I'm doing this differently this time because I'm going to do it like chart style from 10 to 1? get me?

10)New Shoes - Paolo Nutini (every one has heard last request right????)(also, Paolo Nutini is very much SCOTTISH!!!even though his FATHER is of Italian decent)

9)Bad Influence - Pink (good song)

8)Backfire at the Disco - The Wombats (it's very hard not to sing along)

7)Doctor - Cute is What We Aim For

6)Homesick at Spacecamp - Fall Out Boy (they havn't split, their just taking a break for the sake of pete's wife and kid.)

5)How To Save A Life - The Fray (v.v.sad song)

4)I'm Yours - The Script (I L.O.V.E the lyrics to this song)

3)Anywhere But Here - Mayday Parade

2)Can Wait Forever - Simple Plan

and the number one for this week is....
drum roll please......1)Pete Wentz Is The Only Reason We're Famous - Cobra Starship (So what you got a crew, I got a Crew too)

and the song of shame for this week is........

I think I Better Leave Right Now - Will Young

Seriously dude, if your going leave, get gone, stop making such a bit fuss out of it, just flipping go, no-one likes you anyway...well, apart from you mum, rachel and lana, and a few mums out there, but apart from that most of the female population think your a dim whitted numpty...which you might be for all I know...I'm not saying you are...put on the photo above you look like a dim whitted numpty.so, just go, stop singing, and if you feel you must sing, sing a good song, and make a good video for it, because you totally confused the world's population with the video for think I better leave right now.

So that conclueds this week's sound track,

till we meet again mes aimes (:

Sound Track Of My Life

2010-02-12T02:35:00.000-08:00

well well well... lets get started shall we?
1) Teenage Dirtbag - Wheetus (awesome song, it has to be said!)
2) Children Of The Night - The Backout (it's rather scary at the beginning, but it is AWESOME!)
3) Dakota - A Rocket To The Moon (are you in love with me too?)
4) Everybody's Screaming!!! - Lostprophets (woah woah woah!!!)
5) What I Like About You - Lilix (you really know how to dance!)
6) Hollywood - Cute Is What We Aim For (when the fight for life was in the cival rights.)
7) Last Request - Paolo Nutini (Grant my last request and let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders, lay down beside me. Sure I can accept we're going nowhere, but one last time lets go there...)
8) Shooting the Moon - OK Go (good luck with shooting the moon)
9) Undisclosed Desires - Muse (your beauty's not just a mask.)
10) Leave out All the Rest - Linkin Park.

and the song of shame for this week is...........

Under Pressure - Jedward!
Urgh...seriously people, shame on you for even let them getting that far! it's not good! you might as well have just slowly melted my ears away with a birthday candel. how could you do this to the world.
You know what's next don't you....
....an album, is that what you want? is it?
Gah!! ):

Sound Track Of My Life

2010-01-21T01:55:00.000-08:00

Well mes aimes, How are you?
I've got to tell you I'm not too good right now...it's got nothing to do with me, not really, these arn't my emotions...I'm not brilliant with handeling people when they get all emotional on me, I tend to blab on and try and make them smile again, like I said, I'm not to good with handeling things like that, and it seems to me that alot of people around me are having alot of problems lately "/it's not good.
So, I'm going to try and lighten the mood.
If you know me well, you'll know that my life revolves around music, I l.o.v.e music! It's just who I am, so I have decided to make a regular blog called "Sound Track Of My Life" where I tell you the songs I've been listening in the past couple of days or so, sometimes they tend to sum up how I've been feeling.Who knows, I might even tell you the songs I've been detesting latly?
So, lets begin...
1) gives you hell - All American Rejects (Basicly, every time I hear this song I smile because i imagine a certain someone seeing me one day and being like "Frick, what did I hurt her for" that gives makes me smile)
2) Havn't met you yet - Micheal Buble (Because I havn't met him yet)
3) Canvas Bags - Tim Minchin (lets do something drastic to rid the world of plastic)
4) I'm Yours - Jason Maraz (It's a feel good song and I like the scatting in it)
5) Fireflies - Owl City (Okay, lets just get one thing straight, I am Not Listening to owl city because it's in the charts, I listen to owl city because because I was meant to be going to see them but the ticket were sold out and now I can't go ): )
6)Don't stop believeing - Journey (Not!!!!! The glee cast!!)
7)Everyday Combat - lostprophets (good song)

and Now I cant think of anything else because grace is kicking me in the back
bye for now (:

Some people just get dealt the crappy cards of life

2010-01-21T01:41:00.000-08:00

So, the other day I went out to newcastle with my friends, went to the metro centre and had a pretty good time out. We got the metro home, and I was panicing a bit because the train was going really fast and rocking alot, Cam decided it would be really funny to make me even more scared by saying that we were going to come off the tracks.
Anyway, I was sitting there listening to my iPod trying to ignor the fact that Cam was staring with a scary look on his face to freak me out further. I heard someone drop something and I looked up and saw that the man standing at the metro doors had dropped his book and he was bending over to pick it up, then he started shaking, he couldn't reach his book, he had gone completely white and looked like he was going to collapse. Fortunatly the man sitting down stood up and helped him to a seat and some other people ran up to tell the driver to stop because we needed help. I couldn't help but stare, neither could the rest of the train. I wanted to go up to him and help, but there was nothing I could do. He was taken away and looked after by a nice couple on the Metro. Seeing that made me think about my work's expo, when Rory took a fit, how I was upset just hearing about it, what would I be like if I had to actually deal with it as part of my job? My friend was very comforting and said something that inspired me to write this blog.
"Some people get dealt the bad hand in life, I mean look at you, you've had some pretty crappy card, but look at you now"
Or something to that effect, and It made me thing, yeah some people do get dealt the crappy cards of life, I mean, I was made homeless at the age of 13, but look how I've turned out, I'm happy with life now, I made the most of what I have. Some people get dealt worse cards than others, but you need to just make the best of it, because other wise you'll let it stop you living your life, and that is not the way to go. So go out there and enjoy yourself, no matter your condition, or homelife, because if you let it get to you, your letting it win, and never let anything beat you.

One Day I Will Be a Na'vi

2010-01-15T04:00:00.000-08:00

If you havn't been to see Avatar yet I suggest you go right now. Well, not right now, but maybe after you read this blog or something.
I'm not going to go Into the whole story of Avatar and spoil it for you, like I usually do, but I will tell you this, I want to be a really tall blue person who can ride amazing flying creatures and shoot arrows with absolute precision.

One day I will be, a Na'Vi and live in a big tree on Pandora.

There is a reason behind this of course, A strange reason at that, and here it is:

I want to be able to chose my life partner under a tree that will hear me prayers.

Weird isn't it? That a tree can hear and answer your prayers, how odd. It's kinda romantic, and thats how soppy I am, I want to chose my life partner under a sacred tree.

it's not like I'm religous or anything, far from it infact I just like the idea of being joined to your soul mate and love each other for ever.

Ofcourse, it would be nice if he was the perfect Na'vi for me like, someone I can argue with but not upset so much that they don't talk to be for about a month or something, because I must admit, I like a good debate, not a heated on where we're shouting at each other, but a one we can agree and disagree on and talk about and laugh about later on, because that's how light hearted it should be really.

Now I'm stuck on what to write about so I might just end it there.

Reading back on that, this blog was pretty pointless really, but you know me, just a randomer with too much time on her hands.

WOOOOOOOOOT!!

2010-01-14T01:17:00.000-08:00

Oh my giddy god's pajammas!!! I got an A in my english Exam and a C in my Maths Exam!!!
Wooooooooooot!
I can't believe it. This is amazing! Their putting me in for higher paper in my next exam in Maths and I only have to do literature in English now!! How amazing is that?
All my friends have done amazingly well too, which makes me even more proud!
But heres a bit of advice to anyone who didn't achieve what they wanted: Don't let it bumm you out. As long as you've tried your best theres not much more anyone could ask of you. And you get to resit, so next time, maybe take a little bit longer to revise, and when I say revise I don't been stare at the revision book and hope to absorb the contents, but read it, practise and ask for help when you need it.
Do you think I got my passes by staring at the computer screen and thinking "yeah, I should maybe revise now....hmm maybe later...".
Nope, Well okay, I must admit I do that sometime but hey I'm only human. What I'm saying is that when you get that feeling, finish the thought with "Actually, I think I will..." and pick up that book, pick up your reading specs, turn off the laptop/computer and phone and get studying, because that is the only way your going to pass, unless ofcourse your superwoman/man and you can do anything without trying, or your my brother who seems to be able to do anything without revising.
So if it's alright with you, I'm going to do some french revision now and cross my fingers and hope to god I don't die next lesson.

It's in my biology

2010-01-11T02:27:00.000-08:00

"I once considered taking A level biology, but Satan's Bitch went and crushed my dreams"
Okay, so I've never been fond of science, but biology. I used to be in a higher set but because I was having problems with my chemestry teacher I chose to be moved down in all my science classes.
Biology used to be my favourite science lesson, mainly because I understood it, but now, because of Satan's Bitch, I now dread going to biology and look forward to going to physics and chemestry. In fact, the tables have turned because I used to like biology and detest chemestry.
So, I've just found out that I'm on an E in science, which didn't make sense at first because I have the highest marks in the class, but because I missed 3 exams due to my holiday my mark is not quite as good as it should be. I thought that holidays were meant to be good for you, but mine just screwed me for life really.
It's about time I stop complaining isn't it?
Actually no, OWL CITY HAS SOLD OUT!! not fair!! I was meant to be going as part of my birthday present off Amy, but they sold out before she could get the tickets!! GAH!
Okay, now I'll stop complaining.
What I really wanted to talk about today is secrets.
Weird huh? I guess your thinking "what? why?"
Well this is something that has been playing on my mind since a big argument I had with my mam a while back, that got me kicked out of the house for three-four days.
When me and my mother had this argument I kinda got kicked out and kinda left out of my own will. I went to stay with my dad for a while and alot of secrets came spilling out when the flood gates were opened. I was told things that I won't repeat on here, mainly for privicy.
It's weird when your told something that you really didn't expect to happen, when the past gets dug up from where it was resting nicely and is ripped apart and every thing is revealed. I had to stop my self from loathing my mother. I don't loath her. I didn't like her very much at the time, because of what I was told, but I didn't loath her.
I'm not sure if I've told anyone what was said, I think maybe because It's painful to remember the turth to actually say it out loud.
This is where I contradict my self again isn't it, because I remember once saying it's always better to tell people your problems and get it out of your system, but now, I'm not too sure.
If I told anyone, surly it would just make it worse? so that's why I keep it to myself, even when I'm arguing with my mother and I'm dying to word vomit the past onto her, things that she never thought I'd find out.

So, I havn't been very helpful or anything today, which is my main goal in blogging even if my blogs arn't that useful anyway, sorry about that.

Untill we meet again my buds (:

Well, happy new year to you :D

2010-01-08T03:30:00.000-08:00

It's been a while hasn't it? I guess my mind has been blank for longer than I thought, but I've thought of something to write!

a short while ago I looked at my thumb and it reminded me of something that I thought was long forgotten. I asked a friend if her thumb had ever reminded her of something, she said no but her foot had. So I felt slight less insane.

I thought I would forget soon enough what I was reminded of, I really thought it would be for the best, but I didn't forget, and I still havn't fogotten.

Lying in bed crying, I thought I would do anything to forget, but thinking about it now, maybe It's best not to forget. Learn from your misktakes and everthing right?

Sometimes you percieve things wrong. I thought I was going through the worst time of my life and then I remembered my past and thought
"You know what? I'm strong than this."
I dried my eyes and listened to my iPod remembering everything I once thought I wanted to forget. I've realised that no matter how crappy things might seem, you should always be able to look back, and think, 'I did it, I moved past it'.

Waking up in the morning I went about my normal routine, and yeah, I might have seemed a bit haunted in a way, but I was just pleased that I was strong enough to get on with life, instead of letting it stop me in my tracks and spoil my life.

Oh dear, It seems I've been neglecting you my dear friends

2009-12-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

Thursday!! Ooooops, It seems I forgot about blogging for a while, terribly sorry, did you miss me? No, of course not, you were probably just thanking the gods that I'd stopped blogging, well i'm back.
So, I started work experiance on monday, and you'll never guess what, I got sent home early today because I was ill and I'm not alowed to go in tomorrow, incase I pass any germs onto the kids. It's their fault I'm ill anyway, personally I blame either Megan, Morgan or Robert.
Actually thats rather harsh of me. You see, I'm working in a "special"school, I really hate that term, I think its wrong, I mean sure, the kids have special needs and stuff, but they go to school like everyother kid, it shouldn't be classed as a special school, its just a school for kids who have special needs to go to. So anyway, I'm ill, and aprently I've picked a bug up off one of the kids, which sucks because I'm not alowed to go in incase they all get ill because of me.
Poor Brandon is going to be devistated, who's he gonna play basket ball at playtime with tomorrow if I'm not there?
And poor Megan, She'll probably just eat sand because I won't be there to stop her, and neiter of the other teachers even try to stop her.

Friday!!!
Feeling much better today, so mam took me out to newcastle for bridesmaid shopping with Vee.
Bought two new pairs of black skinnys, and got £30 by selling a few DS games.
Hopfully I'll be going back to the school tomorrow and help out with the Christmas party and I'll be handing out christmas cards.
I'm stomach hurts a little bit now, but I'll probably be better soon. well I'm off.

I actually don't know why I bother to be honest...

2009-11-13T13:34:00.000-08:00

So I did something I told myself I wouldn't do, I apologise to Muffin Head and you know what he said...
"It's okay." and he gave a hug which I wasn't really expecting, but to be honest, I'm still not best pleased, mainly because even his girlfriend thought that I shouldn't have to apologise (I only apologised for her sake) and he didn't even apologise for what he said, so I was extreamly pee'd off to say the least.
I really don't know why I bother anymore, It would be no skin off my nose if I never spoke to him again.
His girlfriend smiled when he hugged me, but she never thanked me. I only did it so he would leave her alone about it, but never mind ey.

So it's offical, I am a proper Ranger now! I have a badge and everything, so I'm rather happy about that, and I also have an amaizing mobile of the "solar system" stuck on my ceiling. Well, I say solar sytem...its really circles of shiney card cut into spirals with nice sparkely sequins stuck on them, but it's still rather prettyfull.

So, still not much to report I'm afraid...
hopefully my weekend will be more eventful

(:

"I have no time for feeling sorry"

2009-11-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

Thats it! Thats the end of the exams for a short while, and boy did I feel like stabbing myself with my new amazing Pluto pen from florida...But once I actually thought about the questions and thought, "Hey! I've studied this!" I managed it.

So the quote in the title of this blog actually applies to me because lets face it, I really don't have time to feel sorry, I hope this doesn't make me sound mean or anything, because I like to think of myself as a caring individual, but between rivsing, exams, doctors appointments, homework, coursework and things like that i'm finding it hard to find time to sit down and have a cup of tea.

Hopefully this will get better as the exams are over, although I do have to start practising for the french re-sit. If only I was good enough to pass first time, but never mind.

PARAMORE'S NEW ALBUM IS AMAZING!!!

I've just got it because I had an amazing report for school.

And I'm on a A in english, how amazing is that, I'm so happy lol!!!

wOOt!!

okay, self obsessed blog over, I didn't really have much else to write about, hopefully something will come to mind later....

Circumferance=2 x pi x radius

2009-11-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

This picture really hasn't got anything to do with this blog, I just thought it looked pretty and it had something to do with Maths (:
I spent like the majority of the morning trying to remember this formular as a last minute panic for the exam, It turns out I didn't even need it because there was no questions on circles.I also tried to remember Pythagoris Therom aswell and that as also pointless. Silly Exam papers.

Lou-lou is trying to get me to join Travian...So if anyone's on it, will you find me and kill me please, because the deal is, I join but as soon as I'm killed I don't have to play anymore (:

You know when you have an argument with someone but your not particularly bothered by it, and you realise that you should maybe apologise for something you said? Yeah, That happened to me. I was going to apologise for something I said in a argument with Muffin Head last night, honestly I was...but then I heard something he said after I logged off facebook (yeah I know, we're pathetic) that made me think twice about apologising. My second thought was "I refuse to apologise" and that's exactly what I did. I'm not proud of myself, and I won't repete what Muffin Head but I'll tell you that it went along the lines of me being a Farm Yard Animal.I'm not trying to make myself seem like the vicim here, because I'm not, I did say something along the lines of Him talking out of his backside for most of the time, but I don't think I said anything that made me deserve to be called a Farm Yard Animal.
I've spoke to my friend who was upset about mine and Muffin Head's arguement because she was asked to take sides by him, I didn't tell her to take sides because I didn't want to drag her into it. I explained what happened and she seemed to understand where I was coming from, and she did agree that her boyfriend was in the wrong, I've sorted everything out with her, but I still refuse to talk or apologise to sam, I shouldn't have to.

So, enough about that...
My doctor is going to start thinking that I'm a hypacondriact. I was at the doctors yesterday so get a condition seen to, which I was given tablets for, and I was there again today for my second jab, which really hurt!
And I have to say, my doctor is GORGEOUS!! serisouly, he was even wearing odd socks which I thought was amazing, because I was wearing odd socks aswell!
I'm starting to sound odd arn't I?
yeah I thought so....

"Who's Kenny and what did he do?"

2009-11-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

Theres this huge piece of graffiti in the town, it's pretty amazing but theres someone spray painted a kinda post-it-note on it that says "Cheers Kenny". So I says to Gracie "I want to know who Kenny is and what he did...".

Anyway, there isn't much point of this blog, just wanted to tell the world about my day, so lets work backwards shall we? We'll start from what's happening now. I'm being mind raped...
Grace is reading children's poetry, I feel like my ears are being man-handeled and my mind is being forced against it's will comprehend. It's hell!! GAH, SHUT UP GRACIE, YES, I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, SHUSH!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

So...
trying so hard to move past the mind rape...
Myself and friends went to see Cirque du Freak:The Vampire's assistant today. It was rather good, but it got me thinking, how weird is it that something rather small can cause a large chain of events to start. Like this Steve gadgy, he agravated that pretty spider, so she bit him and sent him into a coma, and being such a loyle friend that Derren was (oohh, the mind rape is over!! yeyyyyyyy!!!!) he sacrafised his mortal life. Steve recovered and figured out that Derren was a vampire and he wasn't happy so he join the bad vampires and there was a big fight near the end. So yeah, that was good. According to Gracie, our friend, RL didn't stop texting her boyfriend for the duration of the film, which didn't surprise me at all because whenever we go to the cinema with her nower days all she does is text all the way through the movie, and it seemed to me that her phone was surgicly attactched to her hand anyway.

So moving on,

If I had a thousand pounds I could have quite easily spent it all in the town on clothes, starbucks and the cinema, but unfortuntly I don't have a thousand pounds.
I want to talk move onto the main subject of this blog which is friendship.

We were walking down the street by the university when I noiced that our little group of friends are totally different to each other, I mean anyone could tell just by looking at us.

Amy was wearing black skinnies, a black tee, a purple hoody, back combed hair and loads of black eye makeup.

Rachel was wearing blue shorts, purple tights and a grey hoodie, n0t much makeup and natural hair.

Shannon was wearing short shorts, a torqoise tee and grey tanktop and a black jacket and carfully styled hair.

I was wearing grey jeans, a black tanktop, a green cardigan, a pearl necklace and my hair tied up.

Aswell as looking totally different, we have total assparations in life. I can't stand the thought of staying in sunderland for the rest of my life, I want to move to scotland and teach whereas Rachel can't stand the thought of moving away, and she wan't to stay close to home for as long as she lives. It's our differences that make us great. But just because we have many differences doesn't mean we don't have similarities. I mean aside from Shanny, we pretty much all share the same great taste in music, and we share similiar hobbies.

All I can say is that were all amazing and even if we do lose contact when we go to collage, we'll always have those amazing memories that will never ever be forgotten.

The new girl in town

2009-10-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

So, in everyone's life there is a time were you're the new kid right? It may be at school, or the place you just moved to, or maybe at a after school club or something. Everyone has a "new kid" phase, sometimes it can be really daunting, like when your at school because you might think I'll only ever been known as the new kid. Believe me, I get that, but you can totally work it to your advantage. Play on it. It gives you the perfect excuse to talk to that cute guy in your class, because you don't know your way to your next class and he obviously does.

I bring this up because last night I was bored out of my mind and I was willing to do anything to kill off my boredom. I was even considering jumping out the window to see if it would hurt, then came a little glimmer of hope in the form of a tweet on twitter. A friend (well, more like aquantance) posted a tweet telling twitter about his live streem and how he was online and his friend was doing a talk. Now, its no secret that my aquantance is a geek, lets nickname him CuteGeek, and I have a bit of a thing for geeks, so I jumped at the opertunity to see his lovely braced smile and kill my boredom at the same time and clicked on the link.
So there he was in all his glory on my laptop screen, chatting away to some people on the chat room, so I thought Hey, I'll join the chat! So I did. And this is where I felt like the new girl.
I didn't know how to work anything. There was all these codes I could use but I didn't know what any of them did, so I decided I best just leave them otherwise my laptop might just self destruct.
So there I was listening to CuteGeek's Friend chatting away about swine flu, and global warming and blah blah blah, I wasn't really interested, so I asked CuteGeek Why his msn wasn't working, then one stupid bloke asked "Why? CuteGeek (Only he used his real name) Doesn't even have msn, and even if he did he wouldn't give it to you, just email him"
I had to refrain from saying: Hey buddy, shut up because he does have msn, and he give it to me personally, and at least I actually know him and not just some randomer half way across the country on his chat!!!
Insted I stuck with: Urm okay.
He replied with:Who are you? CuteGeek's Girlfriend?
I very nearly said "I wish" but I didn't, I just said no. It was one of those moments were you can't say I Wish Because then he know that you like him, and you wouldn't want to blow your cover but you also hide behind HAH! Ergh, no way man! Incase you hurt his feelings, so I just stuck with plain old No.

What made things worse was that I was the only girl in the chat, and I feel like I really let down girls all around the world with my lack of knowledge in computers and stupidity in basicly everything.

So, answer me this, have you ever found yourself in a situation like mine, or if not, can you describe a time when you were the new kid on the block?

It's a little bit funny

2009-10-27T02:30:00.000-07:00

Isn't it weird how changing or removing one little thing can make such a difference. So you probably havn't the foggiest about what I'm on about, so let me explain...

...Take my friend Rachel for example. If I'm tell my brother about what me and Rachel did in the town that day he'll probably say "which Rachel?" and I'll say "You know, Ginger Rachel"

Its not meant to be offencive, but when ever I think about Rachel I usually think of her amazing, curly, ginger hair. Thats just life.

Grace, from time to time I call her Blondie. This is for two reasons a) she's blonde and b) She is a typical blonde sometimes. However, If she was a brunette I wouldn't be able to call her blondie with out people looking at me with a confussed look on their face thinking What, is she colour blind?

But they're just little things. Lets move onto bigger things, but not quite the biggest.

The weather, isn't it weird how the weather can effect our physical well beings. Like winter, winter brings on colds, flu, pheumonia and hypathermia. At the moment i'm suffering from a cold, a very bad one at that. My brother is suffering man-flu. My mother has only just recovered from whatever she had, my yongest brother has a bad cold and my father is bound to get man flu soon.

Summer, summer brings on hayfever, its a bad time for exzma suffers in the summer too.

So now lets move onto the big things.

If my parents hadn't split up, would I have two brothers? Would I be as happy as I am now?

If I was different, just a small change in personality, would I live the life I live now? Would I have all my amazing friends?

If I hadn't met Grace, would I have met Mark? Would I still be sitting at the back of the class on my own with no friends?

All this probably means nothings to you, and you've probably already stopped reading, If you've getten this far, well done :P

But this is just something I was thinking about last night before I went to bed.

It's kinda like the Butterfly Effect or the Domino Effect, If you change one thing about your personality or your past, does it changed everything for you in the future?

Mmmmm....Hugh Jackman....

2009-10-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

I recently watched the new X-Men movie, you know, the one all about Wolverine. Has anyone else seen it? I have to say, it was pretty amazing! There were a good few twists and It was good fun watching Hugh Jackman run naked through the country side :P

If Hugh Jackman isn't enough for you...does anyone watch lost??

I can just imagen Lou Lou perking up at this point, Yes Charlie from lost was in it, un fortunatly he was murdered with in the first 45 minutes, but he was in it all the same.

So my question to my fellow bloggers and X-Men fans is:

Do you think that the "mutants" are actually mutant freaks, or are they just people with special skills that no mere mortal could posses?

Makes you think doesn't it?

Come to think of it, the "mutants" are kinda like people with disablities (okay, I know that sounds mean, but please let me explain). They have different ablities and disablities just like disabled people. Take Rouge for example, She can't touch anyone without involentarly absorbing their memories, physical strength, and in the case of mutants, super powers. Pretty cool huh? Not really, you see, she wouldn't be able to hold hands with her boyfriend unless she was wearing gloves, she wouldn't be able to kiss some, and what not. Can you imagine how put out she must feel sometimes? Also, Some people look down on Mutants or make fun of them, just like some people make fun of people with disablities.

Okay, so enought about that.

If you could be a member of the X-Men, who would you be? This could be made up or an exsiting one. Please answer, I don't get many comments and I fancy a chat :P

I don't know who I would be, Although if I was involved with Wolverine or Gambit, I would be one happy mutant.

This is Gambit, he has the ablity to control imanimate objects with kinetic power. He also has a hypnotic charm, is a skilled card thrower and has the use of a staff. He is also very very fitt (:

It's great to be able to say "I'm over you" and mean it

2009-10-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

Thats it.

It's an amazing feeling. Well, the realisation that your over him is an amazing feeling.
You see, I didn't even realise untill I went to bed one night and I though "I didn't even pause at the bottom of the street to see if he was there". I hadn't thought about him all day and when I did, I felt nothing. No regret and no love for him at all. Not even the niggeling "like" feeling you get about some guys.

Another way I realised I was over him was that I was finally looking at other guys and potentials, hell I even flirted on a few occasions.
I've started likeing another boy, I actually like him a while back but didn't do or say anything about it.
So who knows what the future holds for me, and if the past is anything to go by then the future looks eventful.

Don't you just hate it when people twist what you say?

2009-10-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so heres the thing, myself and some friends were having a discusion about another friend's boyfriend. You see, I dislike him, mainly because of the way he treats me and others. He always acts like he's better than everyone else. He always treats me differently to the others, and he has this inexplainable problem with me, even he can't explain it. So yeah, myself and friends were talking about this, also about the way he treats his girl friend. They're happy together, but he's not fair on her, and I don't know wether she realises this but he's always dragging her away from us.

There have been times where I've thought, 'I'm going to say something, to both of them.' but then I don't because of two reasons:
1) He'll blow up at me-don't get me wrong, I don't really care what he thinks about me, but I still don't want to get in an argument with him
and
2) She'll not listen, or she'll listen then go in a huff with me and not talk to me, or she'll tell him and then they'll argue and then he'll get on to me and blame everything on me like he always does and call me hurtful names, same as above really.

So anyway, there was this boy with us at the time (lets call him he2) who is friends with him, so we told him2 not to tell him1 anything, so what does he2 go and do? He2 went and told someone else who told him1. confused yet? Yeah, it confused me too. So now, Him1 told his girlfriend that we all hate him, I don't hate him, I just dislike him sometimes because of reasons explained in the first paragraph.

Help anyone?
I've explained to my friend the situation and that I don't hate her boyfriend, but she's off school and hasn't emailed back, so you know, I'm gonna have to sit here and wonder 'Whats next?'

I never thought work could be this hard!!

2009-10-13T05:56:00.000-07:00

Just a very quick entry to say that I'm struggeling with my Music work, I need like one more line and its really annoying me, It's gotta be 7 sylibles just like 'do you think anyone's tried'

Oh yeah, I need some help picking names for my elves... fancy lending a hand.
oh, and lou lou and gracie, you's can't vote because you've already voted.
so

Girls
Names Meanings Prononciation
Arien -Sunmaiden
Elwing -Starspray
Alena -Light
Venya -Beautiful (Vahn-yah)
Melda -Beloved (Mehl-dah)
Lostrariel -Blooming (Lost-are-ee-ell)
Anira -Desired (Ah-neer-ah)
Eleniel -Star (Ell-ee-nee-ell)
Véredhiel -Promise (Vare-eh-tee-ell)
Authiel -Battle maiden (Ow-thee-ell)
Melima -Loveable (Mell-ee-mah)

And the boys

Names Meaning Prononciation
Celeborn -Silver Tree (Sell-ee-born)
Aerandir -Sea wanderer ?
Sadron -Faithful (Sahd-ronn)
Maldor -Land of gold (Malh-door)
Aranion -King (Are-ahn-ee-on)
Alagos -A storm (Ahl-ah-gohse)
Eglerion -Of the woods (Ehg-lare-ee-on)
Manwë -Pure (Manh-way)

If the out come of falling in the bath with the hairdryer is being able to read minds, is it really such a bad thing?

2009-10-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Right Female readers around the world, who wishes that guys would understand you more? Even if their not your boyfriend or anything, maybe just a friend thats a guy, do you think that they really know whats going on in your head and know what you want when you want? They really don't have a clue do they? I know I wish that guys would understand me better. Even just guys that are in my class, or just my friends, I really wish they would really take the time to listen and understand me.

So what's the point in this blog? Well, the other night I was sitting and watching a film that I havn't seen in a long long time. What Woman Want. Basicly, this guy who really has no idea about woman is given a package off a new worker at his work. She gives all the colleges a box of female beauty products. This guy gets totally smashed on wine and decideds to try the products to try and get some idea's on how to sell them, basicly, get inside a woman's head. So he puts on mascara, lipstick, black head remover, hair moose, tights, waxes his legs and even wears a wonderbra .... then his daughter walks in on him with her boyfriend. As you can imageon, she's mortified, I guess we all would if we walked in on our dad's wearing all these beauty products, so anyway, she slams her bedroom door shut after shouting at him that he never listens to her and doesn't understand her. Long story short, he then falls in the bath, the hair dryer shortly followed.
When he wakes up he finds he can read every woman's mind.

Curse or blessing?
Hmmmm, I think Its a bit of both really, I know that if a guy could read my thoughts he would deffinatly understand me more, he would understand why I act so strangly or say some of the random things that I say, but on the other hand, he would be able to hear all my intermate private thoughts, making them not-so-private anymore.
Wouldn't it be great if he could only read the thoughts we want him to hear. Like when we really need a hug or something, you know, to cheer us up, he would know exactly what to do to make us feel better. Or if he could only hear the thoughts he thought at him, if that makes sense.
You know when someone's talking to you and you think all these sarcastic comments in your head but you don't say them out loud because you know they'll get you in trouble, yeah like that.

So like, If he's walking towards you, and you really really like him and your thinking,
Please look at me! Please say Hi! Please give me some sign that you know that I actually exsit!
He knows to give you a smile and to say hi.

If that was the outcome every time, I would suggest that every boy jumps into the bath with an electric appliance of some sort.

*note- Don't jump in the bath with a hairdryer or something, you won't come out being able to read minds, you might just really hurt yourself....

My week 7th october-11th october

2009-10-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

7th October 09

12:08 Noon

Swimming changing rooms

I'm so dissapointed in myself. I could have swam so many more lengths but I caved into my Asmah! GAH! I'm so peeved.

J finally brought back my Twilight DVD but he forgot Hairspray....AGAIN!

I have had many compliments on my hair today, although I'm not entirly sure why. I havn't even bothered to brush it properly so It's rather wavey.

Have had terrible cramp all day and I'm feeling a bit sick. It's nearly Dinner time but I'm not going to eat much because I need to lose some weight. I will stick to my diet this time and do it properly.

Thought that I was geting over M, but who am i kidding? I'm failing miserbly!

10th October09

10:32pm

bedroom at mam's

I'm sick of my mother now like. She's been in a bad mood with me for the past few days because apprenly I'm inconsiderate. I don't think I'm inconsiderate. I think I'm very considerate.

Was watching The X Factor. I think Danni and Cheryl were bang out of order by bringing up things that were in the newspapers. Cheryl was slagging off Kandy Rain for the way they were dressed. Yes, okay, they were dressed very provocitvly and they were in the newspapers for being strippers and stuff, but to be fair, it's a talent compition not a reveiw of the news.

Danni made a comment about Danyl's sexuallity which she really had no right to do.

I slept at Gracie's last night with another friend. We basicly played on batman and ate cold pizza for breakfast, as you do.

On the phone to Shanny and Amy, They want me to include them in my story, I might consider it.

11th October 09

6:53pm

bedroom at mam's

Bobby Shafto Went to Sea

Silver buckels on His Knee

He'll come back and Marry me

Bonny Bobby Shafto

Myself and th famly went to Whitworth Hall today for snday lunch. T'was lovely. I fed the deers that roamed the grounds. They were very cute and Two deers seemed to take a liking to me because they wouldn't let the other deers come neer me for the food.

Mam is a much better mood today. Had to do some major ass kissing. Told her she looked very pretty this morning before we left and pretended to be interested in the wedding fare at Whitworth. I was only really interested in the photography stalls and the owl that is trained to deliever the rings to the best man.

I have been told by my step-father that I'm going insane because I talk to inanimate objects such as the iron, the phone and plants, I also talk to deers and myself. I Explained to him that I'm not going isane, I was born this way.

So, Bobby Shafto. Apprently he never went to sea, he was a member of parliment. Confuzzeled? Yeah I was too. I think he lived some where and fell in love, but then moved elsewhere leaving his love behind. He then married some other lady for her money and had children to her. He then left parliment and the other MPs made up the Bobby Shafto Ryme to taunt him and it kinda stuck, so yeah, theres a useless fact

My Feet Keep Taking Me To Your Street Because Theres A Chance I'll Meet You

2009-10-08T01:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so not literally, but my thoughts keep taking me to a specific subject.
Read my blogs much? Then you'll know exactly what thought I'm talking about.
No? Okay, I'll clue you in, A certain tall, bluey-green eyed boy that I broke up with a few months ago. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, GET OVER HIM ALREADY!!!! But it's harder than I thought it would be.
I keep remembering every moment we shared and all the funny things that happened around us, like the mini chavs that asked if we had sex...

me: *chokes* no!
Person G: *blushes* .....
mini chavs: are you sure??
me+Person G: *nods*
mini chavs: ahh okay *leaves*
Person G: Oh..My..God...
me: *dies*
Persons : *kisses me*
mini chavs: *From behind bush* GET A ROOM!

or the time we got attacked by a dog in the park, the same day he through his shoes in the stream because of blisters.
or the time that old man came up to us in the park and asked us to open his bottel...which he didn't have with his imagionary dog... i felt awful for him.

oh shut up me.
I never used to know how to describe how I felt for him untill I heard this Panic! song and one of the lines just sums it up
I don't love you, I'm just passing the time.
It's like, I know I don't love him anymore, but when I'm sitting around and thinking, my thoughts land on him, and It's mainly just passing the time by thinking about him.
Weird? Yeah, I thought so too, but mehh...
It's really hard, but I am trying. Really really trying my best, but just, ARGH!

No one told me it was this hard ):

Racism-It works both ways

2009-10-06T06:17:00.000-07:00

*Note- this is a subject that I tend to get worked up about so I apologise in advance if I ramble or rant (:

So we all here about 'black' people being picked on by 'white' people, but we rarely hear about how white people get racist comments thrown at them by black people.
Take school for example, if you ever (EVER) say something potentially hurtful or racist to a person of a different race to you (only if your white mind) you'll be called racist and picked up on by a teacher and you'll be spoken to about how your comments are inapropriate, HOWEVER, if a black person ever says anything potentially hurtful or racist to a white person it is usually looked over and nobody cares.

I only bring this up because of an insitend the other day in PE.
Myself and my friends were playing rounders with some of the muslim lads. We were trying to play properly but it's hard when every member of your team is being called or your having verble abuse thrown at you. I mean, it wasn't paticually racist, there were a few comments that included us being white and what not but nothing too bad. One poor boy on our team was getting hit with the rounders bats by some of the muslim boys, myself and two other girls had various comments said about our weight and the rest of the team also had a few comments about them.

In another situation I would have shouted comments back, because that's just how I am...not too calm in these kinda situations, but because they were the race they are I didn't because I knew for a fine fact that I would have been the one who got told off for being 'racist'.

I'm not racist, not at all, I have many friends from many different ethnic backgrounds but it really annoys me when people turn a blind eye to racism when its the 'whites' being discriminated, it's kinda like no-one cares because were white and their black so therefore it's not racism...it is.

Another thing that really annoys me, and this happened in the rounders game too, when people from other countries speak their own language when their around me and my friends when they can blatently speak english. Don't get me wrong, when they're with their friends and family, sure, it's their first language so they have every right to, but when their clearly talking about me or the others in their own language it really pee's me off. This is ENGLAND!! SPEAK ENGLISH! WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN!!!

Okay, rant over.
Sorry if I've offened anyone reading, not that anyone actually reads these things, but these are my veiws, and I would love to know what you think aswell (:

My Week- 1st October to 4th october.

2009-10-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

1st October 09

8:47am

Assembly

Having to gaurd the doors in assembly. Will have to do It again tomorrow "/

Lol, lodes of people have just turned up late. Youth Of Christ are here to talk about some Godly thing...

French

If I fail French I don't care, So long as I pass English, Maths, Science, Geography and music, I'm Happy.

2nd October 09

7:40am

Bedroom At Mam's House

Getting ready for school - stupid skirt is annoying me and tights are irritating my legs.

Mam is in a bad mood. Matthew got a detention yesterday and I asked if I could phone the works experiance people. She blew up at me and did that thing where she stands in the kitchen and shout horrible things hoping that we're listening...

...We're not.

8:44am

Assembly

Having to sit through the same assembly as yesterday.

Shanny is late for school. She slept in, me and Amy woke her up. She was still in her PJs xD

9:10am

PDL

Talking about rights and responsiblities in the world of work. Can't really consentrate because I'm too miffed about mother. She's really bugging me. We're talking about what we do around the house, I could right a list of things that I do that mother just doesn't care about. May stop doing them to see if she acctually notices. Actually, might not, She'll only blow up at me again

Didn't really want to go to Dad's tomorrow but now looking forward to getting away from mother.

9:16pm

Bedroom at Mam's

Just got back from Rangers. Mother is still in an awful mood but I don't really care because I met some amazing people tonight. Ami, Sarah, Brooke and...I think that's it, isn't it? Meh, They were all pretty amazing anyway.

Joined Rangers to get out of the house on a friday night. Not all 15/16 year olds go to Rangers on a Friday night...most go out drinking...

3rd October 09

10:50 am

Family Room at Dad's

At dad's now, have a choice of phone top up, iTunes card or a mystery surprise.

Watching Saturday Kitchen Live and very tempted to snag a chedder biscuit off the top of the fridge. Not sure if I can reach the top of the fridge though, It's very big.

11:50pm

Bedroom at Dad's

Just watched Lord Of The Rings because I'm a nerd like that.

Couldn't help but swoon a little everytime Legolas came on. Orlando Bloom makes a very fitt elf.

Every Time Merry, or Mary or what ever he's called, came on in my head I kinda went Look, it's Charlie off lost! and everytime I saw Sam I thought He has a major crush on Frodo. I swear he must be gay even if he did marry that bar lady with the crazy blonde perm.

While On the suject of Hobit, Does anyone else find Frodo Baggins nice looking in his own strange, little Hobbity way? I mean, apart from the whole hairy feet thing. Seriously, havn't they ever heard of shaving their feet because that's just ridiculous/

Although I must admit, Ever since I watched Lord Of The Rings all those years ago I've wanted to be an elf. Not like the Santa's Little Helper kinda elf, but a nice, tall, mysterious elf. It's Legolas' fault, I've had a crush on him ever since watching the movie.

Another thing I have to point out is... Bilbo Baggins wrote that tale thing right? The Frodo added his own tale of The Lord Of The Rings, aha? So, Frodo leaves the book to Sam. WHAT THE HELL IS SAM GOING TO DO WITH IT????

I mean come on, what's he going to write? "What it's like to be married to a Hairy footed Bar maid and Have two hairy footed children" ???? Doesn't quite have the same ring to it as "Lord Of The Rings"

Okay, Rant over

well...

Apart from the Rant about the stupid laptop which has been syncing my iPod for the past 3-4 Hours...might just leave that for the night...

4th October 09
12:24pm
Bedroom at Dad's
Just got back from bike ride and still don't have thighs of steel. Though, not as tired as last time and only felt like throwing up once. Took different root back. It was very pretty even if there was a bit too many hills to go up.
Note To Self, Follow these rules

Go at own pace, stop trying to catch up to fitness fanitic father.
Stop worry about what the fitness freaks (Father and Brother) think about Snale Pace.
Stop being tempted to stop and push bike (only did it once today on a very steep hill)
Stop wanting to change song on iPod. Pick a playlist and stick to it.
AND!!! Stop getting pissed off when that gorgeous but arragant boy delbertatly speeds up to pass you then smirks when he see's your all red in the face. Stop facinating about punching him right in the face as he passes.

Also, note to self, sort out anger issues, never realised I have such violent thoughts.

I've Never Realised How Much Of A Freak I am!

2009-09-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just sat infront of a mirror and just picked things about yourself that you don't like or wish you could change.
If you have, I know I'm not alone, If you havn't I don't recomend it.
So I'm now going to have a rant about the things I don't like about myself.

If you don't really care, stop reading.......NOW!

One of my eyes is bigger than the other!
I have a stupid hole in my stupid cheast. (seriously, look at any of my pictures and you'll see it, and what makes things worse is that I've been told its potentally cancerous by my mother, thanks for that mum...)
My hair fall out a when ever I run my fingers through it. (I was told that when my hair is falling out, it needs cutting, I had my hair cut a few weeks ago and it still hasn't stopped falling out!)
I Have a number of stupid Scars that I can't explain!
I have a dent in my forehead off when I had the chicken poxs.

And the list goes on and on and on....

And what makes matters worse, I've lost my voice!

well, not lost it, but it's going and I sound like a frog thats been stood on "/

So yeah, not having A good day today.

Threw a dither spaz this morning because I couldn't find my school tie.

Had to have my photo taken for the year book, I smile like a freak, and my makeup was uneven.

And my legs are randomly hurting.

Oh yeah, and my Exzma has decided to make a comeback! yey! so now I look like I have flees or something because I'm scratching all the time, which I can imagion looks rather funny, but it hurts a bit.

Gota remember to keep on smiling, even if I do look like divv when I smile

We've Made Contact!!

2009-09-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

After, like, two (maybe three) months, My ex boyfriend spoke to me.

So what?

It's like a major breakthrough for me because its not even like I provoced him or anything, I didn't start the conversation, and yeah, it was about school and stuff, but it's still a conversation isn't it?

It's weird really, but yeahh, I've just saw a picture of him and his current girlfriend, they look sweet together, and honestly, I'm not really too bothered by seeing it. No pang of jelousy, No regrets, No "gosh, I wish I was her", just "awhhh sweet".

But I have to say, I honestly don't know what they have in common, they share no common intrests as far as I know, she listens to totally different music to him (I'm not a stalker, I just know she loves JLS wereas he hates them) but mehh.

I want to go to the park,

not sure why really,

I just have the urge to go to the park with a sketch pad or my writing book and do something creative, however, I can't because I have to do the stupid ironing In a bit ¬¬

Person I Don't Know The Name Of: Theres something your not telling me.... House: I'm gay...Oh, thats not what you mean?

2009-09-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am seriously on a High about All Time Low!

They were amazing!! And funny!! And a bloody good night out xD

However, they didn't play Holly Would You Turn Me On like I hoped they would, but, they did play Six Feet Under The Stars and Dear Maria, two of my other favourites.

Also I did something that would make Gracie proud of me...

I watched many episodes of House today

And I have to admit, it was rather good and rather funny, and I may see why Gracie finds Greogory House nice...

I might even find him nice myself.

I really can't think of anything else to write about today, there really isn't any issues I could think of today because today all I really did was chill infront of the Telly and bask in the glory on House lol.

Holly, Would You Turn Me On?

2009-09-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well, Mr Darcy has certainly upped my standard in men and boys alike.

Who, like me, is waiting for their very own Mr Darcy?

At first he may seem arrigant and self obsessed and when your reading the book or watching the film you just want to say "Oh for god's sake get your head out of your arse!!" but you don't, you just look on in awe and wonder what it must be like to be Elizabeth Bennit. Lucky Lady ¬¬

If you've ever read Mr Darcy, Vamyre, you'll understand me when I say that his being a Vampyre doesn't put you off him in the slightest, in fact you tend to love him even more for him protecting Elizabeth like he does.

On the subject of wonderful men, I would like to take this opertunity to tell you all how gorgous my supply teacher was today.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

I don't think I've ever payed attention in BCS like I payed attention today, and all my hard work payed off to, he called me a "star pupil".

Okay, so yeah, I sound like the biggest geek alive to be proud that I was called a "Star Pupil" but if you had seen the teacher you would be pleased too.

ANDDDDDD

I'm going to see and awesome band on Friday!!

All Time Low!

How gorgous are these guys please?

seriously I'm going to be swooning all night XD

I really hope they play 'Holly, Would You Turn Me On'

because that would make me feel really special lol
not that they'll dedicate it to me or anything but I can pretend that they did :P

As I'm Pacing The Pues In A Church Corridoor (:

2009-09-18T12:07:00.000-07:00

Mother of mine is in the wedding swing of things now. It's not really as if she's getting married soon, its still a few years away to be fair. But anyway, it's rather fun helping planning a wedding, which is what I'm doing. I'm the only person who has seen my mother in her dress, I'm designing my own dress (which has to be pink, not sure to rejoyce or cry) and (!!!!) I've just wrote her vows for her.

You see, I've always been into poetry and stuff like that and I can spin loads of words of, wether they be poetry, lyrics or just random words, and make them sound pretty. Unfortuntly I don't have premission off my mother to put them up here yet (its my work "/) but I guess its because she wants to keep them quite for a while so my step-father to be won't catch wind of them, which would be naff, and I wouldn't be surprised if Andy asks me to write his vows, so like LOL!

But anyway, all this talk about weddings has been making me feel very wedding-ly. However, I have more pressing matters to talk about than my wedding (which probably won't happen for a few decades yet)

I basicly want to talk about talking. That sounds odd doesn't it?

Well yeah, you see, one of my close friends nearly give me a heart falure today when she suddenly broke down and started crying. You see, she really doesn't have alot of self-asteam, I mean, she's really pretty, smart and funny, but sometimes she doesn't see this in herself. And to add to her low self-asteam, she lately told a lad she likes him and he hasn't bothered to talk to her about it, which she really shouldn't worry about, because I personally think that any guy would be flattered to be told that, and any guy would be totally lucky to have my friend.

She doesn't really like being centre of attenetion so she doesn't tend to talk about her feelings alot, and I think that botteling up her feelings like she does lead to her break down today.

I'm also talking from self experience here, I know that my friends have had to deal with my random break downs on many occasions when I havn't talked about feeling down and things upsetting me. You see, this is why I love blogging, because you can talk about all your feelings and no-one really has the right to judge you, and its such an easy way to get things off your chest. So, here are some random but helpful tips for when your feeling down, lonely, or you just need a chat.

Write it down

Wether it be in your diary, an email or letter (you don't need to send it, just like I never sent my letter to mark) or in a blog, write down how you feel. Its a simple, easy way of talking about things without having to open your mouth and worry about they way things sound.

Read up on it.

Sometimes, I find, that reading real life stories about the way you feel can really help beacause it shows you that you're not alone in the way your feeling. Websites such as Slink ( www.bbc.co.uk/slink ) can really help because you get to know how other people beat the way they felt and how they made themselves feel better and what helped

and most importantly...

Talk about it.

Talking to your close, trusted friends or members of your family that you know will listen is one of the easiest things to do isn't it? We do it everyday, so what the big deal about telling them your problems? Maybe it because your embrassed about your problems or you just don't feel confident in talking about it, but you know, your close friends and family will never judge you if you go to them with your problems, if anything they'll be proud that you have the courage to talk about it, and they can help you, you never know, you might find something out about them that you didn't know before and it might really open your eyes.

So talk about it people, its the best thing to do (:

Happy Blogging (:

For A Pessimest, I'm Pretty Optimistic (:

2009-09-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Have just been told by my mother that's I'm the biggest pessimest she's ever met (besides herself), so I basicly laughed at her and said, "For a pessimest, I'm pretty optimistic". She just looked at me all weird and said, "Do you have to have an aswer to everything?" I nodded and made my way to my room, where I sat on my bed and opened my blog and started blogging.

So, what to blog about?

Hmmmm, I could tell you about my work expericence which I'm not even sure I've got yet.

Or I could tell you how much I hate my brother and the reasons why.

Or I could tell you what I did in my double music lesson today.

You know what? I'm going to blog about all of them!!

Awesome huh?

Well, Work experience, Probably the most stress a fifteen year old will have to go through. I thought that I had a deffinate placement at a special needs school, which I was really looking forward to going to because I really want to be a primary school teacher. So I phone the lady who said she would give me the placement, but it turns out I need to hand in a coverage letter (what ever that is) and my connections form and even then its not an absulute deffinate that I'll get to go there "/ How annoying please?

So If I don't get it, I'm screwed because I have hardly any time to get another placement sorted!!

This is why my mother was calling me a pessimest because I'm convinced that I won't get it, and she's saying that I will, but I'm not convinced, I never get in anything, so why should this be any different?

Right then, My borther. Well, he was grounded for getting a detention, and he wasn't meant to be aloud out for a whole week. He's gone out tonight with my mother's premission!!

See, if it was me, I would have been grounded for the whole week, no 'buts', 'ifs' or 'ors'.

Not that it makes much of a difference to me because I don't like going out on weeknights, I prefer to stay in and make sure I've got all my homework ready, my bag pack for school and my uniform where I can find it.

But ditzy little matthew doesn't do this, he gets detentions, gets into fights, does nothing around the house and then gets let out to go skating with his friends and doesn't come home till late...and he's only 13!!

Me, I hardly ever get detentions, I never get into fights, I do more than my fair shair around the house and the only time I was aloud out during the weeks was to go out with my boyfriend on friday nights, and now that I'm single again I don't even get to do that, and I'm nearly sixteen for heven's sake!!

Okay, Rant over.

Music, Jake abondend me (much to my missery) and left me to compose the song we're writing on my own, and you know what, I actually progressed, alot. I wrote all the lyrics and I was planning on letting him come up with the music, but you'll never guess (with the help of mrs.B, thanks miss (: ) I finshed the music to the first verse and bridge and I'm now starting on the coures (:

I feel very musical. For once, I feel like my brain is really being put to use, Its amazing!!

So yeah, Enough of my random rambleing, anyone fancy a chat, about anything at all, just drop me a comment and I'll get back to you when ever I can.

Responsablities, We All Have 'Em

2009-09-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Capricorn, You're feeling gregarious this Wednesday and you're certainly excellent company to have around. Any kind of group activity at school will be a lot of fun, although you may feel put out that you can't be with the people you most want to be with. Never mind - consider it an opportunity to make new friends.

Well, if I was feeling gregarious today It's not a very good feeling, Actually hang on, I'm going to look it up and find out what it actually means...

Gregarious-Fond of other's company; sociable.

Well, I was greatfull that my friends were there but I wasn't really feeling Sociable, but for that I have my reasons. I highly doubt that I was good company either because I was a moody cow all day. Didn't get in volved with any group activities and didn't really feel put out at any given point, also didn't make any new friends although a new girl joined my science class, maybe that might be the opportnunity it's on about.

Not really In a very good mood. Basicly because of what happened yesterday. Things started to perk up after dinner and by the time it was time to go home I was in a pretty reasonable mood. That was untill I actually got home.

I stood outside my house banging on the door and throwing stones at my brother's window because he had locked the door and left his key in the lock, so I couldn't get in. I did this for half an hour...

So, I finally gets in the house and as you can imagion I'm in a pretty pants mood. My knuckels and the base of my hand are red because off all the banging on the door (the base of my hand was red aswell because when my kuckels started hurting I started banging on the door full force with the base of my hand, clever? not really) and I get aload of name calling off my brother, (nothing new there then), I stomp up to my room and tidy up a bit (and its still a tip) and lof onto the computer, guess who's waiting on facebook for me, my 'friend', you know, the one who slept with my ex while I was still going out with when she slept with him. (Sorry if you sick of hearing me talk about this, but its playing a big part of my life at the moment, and I'm pretty het up about it, so maybe just skip ahead to the part where I talk about responsablity) and she's asking me if I'm talk to her, Which I'm not, and that "it wasn't really cheating, we didn't do anything", lier, mark wouldn't have said that he's slept with someone else for the sheer crack, then she has the cheek to say to one of my friends " he cheated on me as well ,he was two timing us both". She knew for a long time that I was going out with him and I loved him, and that she slept with him, and she didn't bother to tell me, thats what hurts, that she was meant to be my friend and she kept that from me.

So what's all go to do with responsabilitys? Nothing, that was just me rambeling about my crappy life, I need to get it off my chest so sorry if you got bored.

Right, Responsibalties. As a prefect you get the responsabilty of having to go on duty to stop pupils going into the school buildings when their not meant to, its like a health and safety thingy or something. So yeah, I have these two friends who, after 1o months, a still pretty loved up, which really is lovely, if not sickly sometimes, and they too are prefects...who have recently been neglecting their resonsablities.

Don't get me wrong I love them both to bits, and on the whole their really good friends (well one is, and the other is too when he isn't acusing me of pathetic thingys) but they really need to start taking their responsabilties more seriously. I mean they've only missed their duties twice, and me and Grace were going to lie for them and tell the teacher that they were on duty and stuff but had we told him that we would have been killed because he would have gone up to the duty point himself to check and then we would get a bollocking for lying. Poor Grace had to leg it up to where they were sitting to warn them to get on duty before sir got ahold of them, and even then they wern't going to do it.

Me and Grace were the only two bothering to do the duties, and even poor Lana does extra duties with us so she doesn't have to be alone. So why is it Lana can do extra duties and My Two Friends can't even make it to the ones there meant to do?

Oh God...

2009-09-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

I seriously can't believe this is happening to me.

Okay, well, theres a story behind this blog entry, but I'm going to cut it short.

My ex boyfriend cheated on me when I was on holiday. Yeah, pretty blunt.

well guess what, I just found out who he cheated with.

Yeah, bummer. And I know it should hurt as much as it does, but what makes it hurt more is that it was my friend. Well, someone I know rather well and talk to on MSN.

She tried so hard to be my friend, to meet me in the town and get to know me better, to spend more time with me.

I think its safe to say we won't be doing any of these things anymore.

I know that in alot of my blogs I tend to bang on about how I'm getting over him and how I'm moving on in life, well, I still feel something for him, I guess thats always the case when it comes to the person you fell the hardest for.

Oh god, I really can't believe this, she was meant to be my friend, she always told me she would never go out with Mark incase she hurt me and she didn't want to do that, she bloody lied to me. Even when I told her he'd cheated on me, she went on about how much of a prick he is and how horrible and evil he is, AND SHE LIED BECAUSE SHE REALLY LIKES HIM TOO!!

She says she doesn't anymore because she has a boyfriend and Mark's a dick, but I know that her and her boyfriend will split up again like always and she'll go crying to Mark and they'll have a quick "feel good" shag to make her feel better...

...Okay that was harsh, and I shouldn't have said it, but...

ARGHHHH!!!

Why does life deal me these crappy cards? Why is it always me?

I mean, I know everyone has bad points in life when they feel the same as I do now, But I've been through so much and now this? Just when things were seemingly getting better, My relationship went down the pan and I find out that my ex slept with one of my friends when I was on holiday. It seems like everything is going back downhill again...

And its not even if I can have a good old cry on the sofa with a tub of Ben and Jerry's, watch old sad movies till early hours in the morning and not get out of bed till one in the afternoon because I have stupid homework to do and school to go to tomorrow ):

God Damn It!!

The Life Of A Caricorn (:

2009-09-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

So, Yeah, I like reading my horiscopes...then either laughing or being bitterly disapointed when the things they say don't happen.
So guess what I'm going to do know...
You got it (I hope) I'm going to tell you what my horiscope says for today and tomorrow (:

Little surprises abound this Tuesday and the beauty of nature will be quite breathtaking for you - even if you live in the most urban of areas, keep your eyes open and notice the power of early autumn. It's quite a spiritual time, very good for appreciating that there's so much more to life than we often find time to think about.
Hah! Nature really hasn't caught my breath today becuase quite frankly its been pretty dull. And I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes peeled for the "power of early autumn" because being fair we havn't had much of a summer to move onto autumn. I'm not feeling very spiritual either because I have french next and Je Detest le francias (Yes I know its not spelt right, but I don't care)

So lets have a look at tomorrow's hmm?
You're feeling gregarious this Wednesday and you're certainly excellent company to have around. Any kind of group activity at school will be a lot of fun, although you may feel put out that you can't be with the people you most want to be with. Never mind - consider it an opportunity to make new friends.
Hmmmm, how will I be feeling....actually....what does gregarious mean?? Argh, terrible!!
Anyway, I hope I'm excellent company most of the time or at least nice to have around. eessh.
AND...me? Get involved I'm a group activity at school? hahahahahahha, what a load of old rubbish, I don't like getting invloved in group activities, especially at school.
So I won't get to be with my friends? Well that sucks, I don't make friends easily either..so that ain't good.

Typical isn't it?
I get quite good horiscopes and I don't like them...Ahh well, I'm sure tomorrow won't be too bad. I have to compair my day and horiscope tomorrow after school or something, so yeah

Have to go to french in like 20 minutes ):
Sad Face

Right, I'm off to be bored again seen as I can't think of anything else to write, Tra x

(:

I'll Always Be A Rock'n'Roll Nerd (:

2009-09-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't mind a bit of Tim Minchin like (:
He is simply gorgeous, funny and talented at singing and paino. Perfect (:
And he so different too, he doesn't do typical stand up, he plays music and sings his song, which always make me laugh. My absulute favourite is "10 Foot Cock And A Few Hundered Virgins" and "Rock'n'Roll Nerd".
And he wears no shoes on stage either, which also makes him different.
Oh, I also love "So F**king Rock" aswell, I know all the actions now (: eeeh good times.
I have two people to thank for my Tim Minchin addiction and that would be two of my best friends Lana http://lanaslittlelife.blogspot.com/ and Grace http://spreadingtheloveandbloggingwithstyle.blogspot.com/ . So Thanks, Lana for introducing me to this amazing man because lets face it, you, Tim and rock and roll nerds are simply awesome (:
And Thanks so much Gracie for putting up with me through my though times and inviting me to yours so we can park our arses infront of your massive TV and watch Tim over and over again.
You two are the best (:

(:

So Sick.

2009-09-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of them moments when your sitting alone in your room and your feeling pretty okay, then all of a sudden, you feel really down?
I just had one of the moments, and its not really like anything influenced it. I mean, no-one was being mean to me, no-one had said anything to upset me, I just suddenly became really depressed. How odd.

so, this is what I did. I made a list. Well two lists really. One of the things that get me down and one of the things that cheer me up.
so, here they are.

List One, Things That Get Me Down.
1. Remebering Sad Things.
When I remember the death of my Nana, I get really upset. And lately I've started getting upset over Mark (my ex). I'm not sure why. I mean, When we first broke up I wasn't really as upset as I am about it now, I think its probably just because its really starting to hit me, and it doesn't help when one of my friends (well, more like aquatence) is constantly banging on about him and how much of a dick he is but how much she loves him. I hate to admit it, but maybe i'm the tiniest bit jelouse of her, that she gets to see him so much and she's such good friends with him and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
2.When My Friends Get Miss-Treated.
I was out with my friends the other day and one of them were very upset because her boyfriend was kicking off with her for one reason or another. He boyfriend once admitted to me that he was jelouse of me because I spend alot of time with his girlfriend. He also admitted that he thought that I was trying to steal her away from her. I had to explain to him that I was as straight as they get and that I had no sexual intrest in his girlfriend, she's just one of my best friends. He has a problem with all of her friends but for some reason he has an even bigger problem with me. Not sure why to be honest. But anyway, my friend felt the need to go home because she was so upset by what her boyfriend was saying to her and she thought that she was ruining the day for us, she wasn't, but her boyfriend was.
3. Sad Love Song.
They've just been making me feel alot worse to be fair. Is that what they're made for?
4. Constantly Being Put Down.
I get put down alot. Mainly by my little brother. I don't know why it bothers me so much...
I love to sing, so I sit in my room and sing quite loudly with or without music, then my brother comes in and tells me to shut up because i'm hideous, no one likes or loves me and I can't sing.
I've been told I can sing, and that I'm loved and I'm pretty, but when your brother comes and tells you differently, everything you've been told gets shattered and you feel crap about yourself.

And now for List Two
List Two, Things That Cheer Me Up.
1. Bubble Bath/Me Time
I love sitting in the bath with my "kind to sensitive skin" bubble bath and have some 'me time'. Its great, it gives you some peacefull time to think about everything your upset about. I find it best to go in the bath with your iPod. If your too afraid that you'll drop you presious in the bath, like I am, plug your speakers in and blast out your favourite tunes, and don't be afraid to sing at the top of your lungs and don't be afraid of anyone hearing you. If they do hear you, they'll just be glad your enjoying yourself.
2. Feel Good Movies
Mama Mai, Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging and Shrek are my favourite 'feel good' movies. I can sit and have a good old laugh at them and forget all my problems and get lost in the plot of the film and really enjoy myself. So hog the big TV, plonk yourself down on the sofa in your jammies with your favourite cusion and a bowel of popcorn or nacho chips relax.
3. Talking About My Problems.
Wether its in a blog, over msn, in person or simply over the phone, its good to talk about your problems. Don't be afraid to be a comfort seeker, talk to your friends who you know will sypathise with you and really listen and not pass judgment, the friends who know exactly what to say in the right places, because lets face it, you don't want to be telling your problems to someone who going to turn around and say "Well it's your own fault" or "You had it coming" because that just makes you feel even worse.
4. Curling Up With A Good Book.
For me, theres nothing better then curling up in bed with my favourite book, one that you can read over and over again and not get bored of, for me that's twilight or any jacqueline Wilson book. (Yes there a bit young for me now, but their still my childhood favourites.) if your not a reader then maybe lie in bed with your iPod or MP3 player and listen to the 'feel good' songs and absorbe the good lyrics

So their not very long lists this time, but I think they say alot, plus I'm trying to concentrate on writing my story, which i'm stuck on, the chapter im wrighting seems to be getting longer and longer than I intended it to be, but never mind, I just hope I havn't waffeled on too much, and I really hope it's not turning out Twilight-y
x

A Picture Of Dorian Grey

2009-09-12T16:02:00.001-07:00

Would you sell your soul for an imortal life of good looks and fortune?

My self and two friends went to see the new Dorian Grey film today, and I must say it was amazing, and the guy who played Dorian was utterly Gorgeous, and he had a pair of wonderful eyes, the type you could totaly get lost in.
So, Would you sell you soul like Dorian did?
Me: I'm not sure. I think that for a while it would be nice to live a long time and look amazing and stuff but do you not think that life would get a bit lonely if you had to live like that forever? I mean, you would have to watch all your friends and family getting old and dying while you stay young and alive. Sure, you can make new friends, but you can't replace your good friends. Plus, you wouldn't be able to have a proper relationship with anyone because you would always know that you were keeping secrets from them, and then you would have to watch them getting old and dying without you.
You wouldn't be able to have children either if you think about it really. I mean you could have kids but after a while you would have to leave them because it's bound to confuse them a tad when they get to like 40 years old and they look so much older than you because you have the body and looks of a 20-odd year old. I think it would totally mess your life up.
However, It would be nice to literally have have all the time in the world to do stuff like travel the world and stuff, but you wouldn't really be able to share it with anyone.
I'd love to know you opinions and if you would do it or not, so drop me a comment (:

His Letter, The One I'll Never Send

2009-09-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

Mark,
There is so much I never said to you, so much I've been thinking about since we broke up, and if I don't get it off my chest its going to eat me up inside.
I'll start from when I broke up with you. It wasn't a mistake. I know deep down that I've done the right thing for both me and you. I said to myself "I'll not dwell on every moment I spent with him, I'll move on quickly and not be all mopey and annoying to others, I'm stronger than that." Basicly, I lied to myself. I did dwell on every moment, good and bad.
Sometimes I lie in bed and cry myself to sleep, remembering all the times we lay in the grass in the park and talked about anything and everything, remembering your lips on mine, remembering the way your big strong hands held mine, knotting your long thin fingers through my short pudgy ones. I cry over every petty argument we had, and wonder if we hadn't argued over them, would we still be together? I don't think so.
You haunt me. Where ever I go, even if your not physicly there, your with me. When I'm walking to and from school or the town, I look in every bus that passes and hope your on it, and you'll see me walking with my head held high, supposinly getting over you. Ever time I walk down the back lane on the way home I day dream about you waiting at the bottom of my street and I recite what I would say to you in my head, only to be bitterly dissapointed when your not there.
I have problems answering quiz questions on Myspace and Facebook. I can't answer "Eye Colour" without remembering the time we lay in the park and you told me my eyes were blue (when they are so clearly green) and we had a fun little argument consisting of "blue","Green","Blue","Green" ect. inbetween kisses, and to make sure you won the argument you held each kiss on for longer before I finaly give in to you.
I can't answer "Hair Colour" without remembering the times your brushed my hair away from my face when it was windy, and how (even when it was a mess) you told me you loved it, loved me.
I try to hide it from my friends, try pretending everythings okay and I'm just fine, but trying to hide it from myself is alot harder.
I don't know if I would ever take you back if you asked. This is for many reasons.
1) My mam found out about what you did when I was on holiday (or whenever you did it). She told me that you will never step foot in our house ever again, never mind sleep on our sofa.
2) I will not be hurt by you again. I won't let it happen. I Can't let it happen.
3) This is going to sound terrible but, I'm not sure I really loved you like I thought I did. I mean, I did love you, oh yes, I loved you so much, but I don't think In love with you, I've realised theres a difference. Maybe given more time I might have fallen properly in love with you, but more time was the one thing we never had, and thats what kills me.
4) It was always so awkward to go out with you. No, thats the wrong way to phrase it. It wasn't awkward to go out with you, but you never seemed to have time for me, like I was getting in the way of things, and you never seemed to want to go out with me if my friends were there, I can only remember two times when we went out with my friends. Plus you never seemed to want to invite me out with your friends. I think that might have been because of the age difference that people frowned upon (Two years isn't really alot) but so many people said we were great together so I would have thought that that would cancel the age difference out. Apprently not.
I miss you, so much. I think about you every morning I wake up and everynight before I go to sleep. I dream about you nearly everynight, and the nights I don't its because I havn't slept because of thinking about you.
You make me so angry, happy, sad, confused, loved up and pissed off all at the same time. scary huh? I'm so angry at you for letting our relationship go down the pan, but I blame myself more.
You piss me off when I think about all the times you shunned me, but I kick myself for not trying harder.
Its not just you that does this, its everyone else to. I'm greatfull for the people who told me your bad for me and to break up with you, because they were just looking out for me, but at the same time they piss me off for saying that. Im only greatful that they've stuck by me, like you promised to do but never did.
Promises, how many of them did you break?
Well, you deffiantly promised me that you would never cheat on me. Hah! I took absulute comfort in that, and then you pulled that away from me and it broke my heart.
I'm glad I wrote this letter, I would love a return but I know I won't get one because you'll never get this letter of mine.

Thanks For The Memories....
Holly
x

Stop Doing That Or I'll Have You Reported!!

2009-09-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

So, What were/are you like at school?
Me? I'm a bit of a Goodie-Two-Shoes if i'm being perfectly honest. I used to be in denial of this but now I take pride in being a prefect, a peer mentor, a house officer, was a member of the school concil for four years, and i write the house notices with my friends. I mean i do have my moment of back chat, failure to do homework and threats of detentions but i always feel terrible when i do these things.
I quite like being a prefect. You get to treaten smaller children, fun times.
My favourite threat has to be, "I'll have you reported!"
it used to work when i was in year six because all the smaller children were quite naive and didn't realise that i didn't have the guts to follow through with my threat, but now, the year 8-9 are alot more cheeker and really couldn't care less if i reported them and i still don't have the guts to actually report them so i can't teach them a lesson.
some times I get the piss taken out of me for being so involved in school but to be honest i really don't care because its going to look great on my CV.

(:

My List

2009-08-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

wednesday 26th august 00:05am
A few hours ago I broke up with Mark. Can't believe that after nearly five months I've broke up with him. Weird isn't it?
In my last Diary entry I was banging on about how brilliant life was with him, how heartbroken I would be if we broke up. Well I can tell you I'm not that heartbroken at all. Sure, it hurts. I'm going to miss making out on the grass with him and telling him I love him and snuggleing down in his arms, but I lived before him, I can live again after him.
I can't sleep, I think it must be an effect of the BreakUp, but I've decided to write a list of things that most people dont know about me! Sounds fun. Might give me something to do for a bit.

My List Of Things Most People Don't Know About Me!!
1) I love Twilight.
Okay, so most people know that, but what they don 't know is the reason I love Twilight. (No it's not Edward Cullen so you can shut up Grace)
Vampires. They fascinate me. I love reading about them, seeing pictures of them and watching films about them. I just love them. There was a time when I wanted to be one. Sad? Mehh, I dunno. I guess its just the mythical appeal they have that makes me like them, I like all things mythical. I like to thing their real, spices up life a little I think.
2)I'm terrified of hights.
Again, most people know this but I think its not heights I'm scared of, it's falling from them that scares me.
Aeroplanes and rollercoasters (apart from the ones that hang up-side-down for ages *shudder*) I have no problem with, in fact, I love them, but stick me ontop of a cliff or hill and I won't go anywhere near the edge and look down. Same with bridges. I'll not stand on a Bridge too long, especially rope bridges. You'll be very lucky if you ever get me across a rope bridge because im terrified it'll collapes.
3)Unless I'm sleeping with someone (and I don't mean in the sexual way, I mean in the "staying at a friends" way) I will not sleep facing a door. No way! I'm scared that I'll open my eyes and see someone standing at the door. Waiting. Waiting for what? I hear you say. Well I don't know, do I? Waiting to kill me maybe? I'd rather not think about it thanks.
4)The boy I consider to be my first boyfriend is Mark Anthony Grieves. I'd like to be able to say we're still friends but I don't think he can handle it. For four short months he made my life bareable. He was the one think I would bother looking good for. I did my best to be a good girlfriend. I tried to make myself look pretty for him, I dropped plans for him and the plans i couldn't drop I did my best to fit him into.
Then he did something that broke my heart. But you know what I did? I took it upon my self to make things better. I tried hard to make him like me more. Stupid right? People said it should be him trying to make me like him more, that it should be him trying to make things better, but no, it was me. Silly, naive little me. Things started to work out again after that. I foolishly ignored my friend's advice and made things better for us. Then he started acting awkward again and I knew exactly what was happening, He was going off me.
I won't go into details of how we broke up, all I'll say is that it was me who ended it. I didn't want to but I had to otherwise I'd be waiting around for a boy who didn't deserve my time.
I still have feelings for him, I guess I always will, but I'll move on. I hade a life before him, and I'll have one after him too.
5) Over a year ago I thought I had cancer. Twice actually. The first time I was scared. I was quite young and I didn't know what to do. After a while the lump I feared went away and I got on with my life. A short time after it came back with a vengance. It was bigger and more painful. I guess the reason I was scared of having cancer wasn't because I was afraid of dying, it was becasuse I didn't want it to restrict me. I didn't want people looking at me and whispering
"Gosh, she's so young and look whats happened to her," to their friends. I didn't want me friends to treat me any differently. The doctor gave me the all clear and I can tell you I weeped with releif but I still live in fear that one day it's likely that I will get cancer and everything I feared will happen to me.

8:46am In Bed.
Day one of being single again and it's pissing it down. Done what mother said I would do, woke up wondering if I've done the right thing. I think I have.
Meeting Grace at 12 at ParkLane to celebrate being single.
Had a rather rude awakening but Matthew, Brother From Hell, who tried removing the iPod chager from under my bed, thus wacking my on the head with it.
Think I may have caught a cold. Must remember to shut the bedroom window on rainy nights.
Need to pee. Must get up even if its just to prevent wetting myself.

11 Minutes Later
Brought a bottle of Iron Brew up to bed with me. Hey, its part of the "Getting Over Him" processe so I'm aloud. Can't wait for my Dippy Eggs. However, Must not sucumb to comfort eating. I've lost quite abit of weight and I refuse to put it back on just because I've ended a relationship.

The List Continues...
6)I once had a dream I'll never forget. I've never explained this dream to anyone before and I've always thought I would keep it to myself but things have changed now and I think I'm ready to tell people.
In my dream I was with a boy. I won't mention his name yet but I will later. I was walking down the street with him. His arm was draped around my sholders and my fingers were threaded through his on the hand that rested on my sholder. I remember feeling the weight of him arm, the warmth of his body. I remember how happy and safe I felt.
Later in the dream he kissed me. I could feel this lips on mine. It felt utterly amazing.
The dream took a turn for the worse when he dissapeared. I was so worried about him. I thought that he was dead.
I got on a bus (this is still in my dream) and went to my Gran's where a funeral was taking place. His funeral. I ran up the stairs and flung my bedroom door open where I saw the boy standing by my bed. He wore a red tee and faded blue jeans and he smiled at me. I remember running into his arms and feeling safe again and that where the dream ended.
I cried when it hit me that it was just a dream.
So what so special about that? Well, a few weeks later I went on my first date with Mark. We were walking back to the town from Hendon Park. He was looking ahead and I looked up at him and thats when I saw it. He was the boy from my dreams. Funnily enough, when we gathered the courage to hold hands and what not, we walked just like we walked in my dream and when we kissed it was like I was dreaming all over again.
Now that that ship has sunk I thought that maybe its time to let go of the dream. For four months my dream became a reality But now it looks like its dead.
7) I used to hate rice.
Not quite as deep and meaninful as the last few things on my list but I just thought I'd lighten the mood a little.
I don't hate rice anymore, in fact, I quite like rice. You can't have a curry without rice and in my opinion lemon chicken isn't the same without rice. You deffanately can't have chilli without rice (I thought I'd add that in for Grace's bennifit) But I don't like rice pudding. It's all white and sticky and lumpy......
.....I'll leave it up to your own imagionation to twist that. xD
8) I love watching Thrillers and scary movies.
I know it might not seem like it if you ever see me watching a scary movie because I tend to hide behind a pillow but I do love them. I like going to bed at night and replaying the movie in my head, changing bits to fit around me, including myself in the story. I like remembering chactors names and personalitys and making up new plots for them.
I don't particually like waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because i've had a nightmare. I don't like needing the loo but being too afraid to dangle my foot off the bed incase some montser or murderer grabs my ankle and pulls me under. However, I do quite like the thrill of legging it to the down the stairs, to the loo and back in the dark. I guess its all part of the package deal.

11:49am ParkLane
Waiting for Grace, I'm really early.
Theres a big, old, fat guy sitting on the bench near me eating a pasty. I keep catching him looking at me, Its a bit un-nearving.
Wish Grace would hurry up.

1:54pm Grace's Livingroom
Tim Minchin is also part of the healing processe.
I'n his own strange little way he is rather gorgeous and I feel no shame in saying that because Boyfriend, Well Ex-Boyfriend, of mine did more than just look at gorgeous others.
Love it how Tim Minchin doesn't wear shoes on stage. Not a huge fan of feet but it makes him different to other comedians.
He also has a pair of Gorgeous eyes....
Mark did too....
Shut up brain!!!!

4:31pm Grace's Room
Just had half a bottle of coke poured over me by Grace. It was an accident. It was rather funny.
Tim Minchin (L)

And The List Continues To Continue....
9) I have my own personal bubble.
I don't like people leaning or lying on me. I'm forever telling grace off for doing it.
I don't like being hugged unless I know its coming. Don't get me wrong, I like hugs and everything but I like to know it's coming.
Somepeople love sneak hugs but they just adgitate me.
10)I enjoy my own company. Maybe a bit too much. I'm constantly being called a Loner by my Brother and Father, but they don't understand that I like been left to my own thoughts.
It means that if I think of something sad I can have a good cry without anyone seeing.
11) I often go to bed and think of little storys and fantisies for myself.
I often plan out my future life which is good for the present me, not so good for the future me who is going to be extreamly dissapointed when the things I've planned don't happen.
12)I'm a worrier.
I lie in bed and I worry. I think it might be part of the reason I have mild insomnia.
I worry about little things like losing things, up to big things like the future and what not.
Some people might not believe that im a worrier because most of the time I don't let my worrys show, I put on a brave face and pretend that everything is okay. Only my close friends know how much I worry and even they havn't suffered the full extent of it.
13) I am probably the one person who is an exception to the rule "If the glass is half full, your an optimist. If its half empty, your a pessimist,"
If you ask me I'll tell you that the glass if half full but when stuck in a situation I always think its going to result in the worst possible outcome. Sure, if you tell me you have a problem i'll tell you everything is going to be alright but to myself I don't nessiserially believe what I'm saying.

There, I have thought of thought f thirteen things that alot of people don't know about me. Thirteen is what I aimed for so i'm pretty satisfied.

6:39pm Bedroom At Mam's
Decided to start over. Going to totaly De-Markafie my life and waste no time grieving over what could have been.
Step one- Stop wearing his bracelettes, hide them or something.
Step Two- Burn the picture I started drawing and never finished of me and him.
Have already deleted all soppy texts from him and the photo of us at the beach.
Step Three- Stop dwelling on the good times. Must remember the bad things he did.
Step Four- Concentrait on writing. Take my mind off him
Possible Step Five- Write a letter or E-Mail of things I wanted to say to him that I never did. Don't think I'll do this, Mat come across as a crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
Hopefully following these steps will get me back to normal for a new school year.
x