I Don't Want To Grow Up!

Recently my boyfriend and I have been talking about living together and in 3 weeks time we're hopefully going to do just that! I'll finally be flying the nest and moving into the big, bad world of adulthood, and it's scaring the living day lights out of me.

How do I know if I'm ready to grow up? I mean, I want nothing more in the world than to live with my lovely boyfriend, but I'm so used to having everything done for me, being wrapped up in bubble wrap and not having to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I can imagine no-one ever wants to leave that stage of their life, but it's inevitable, I know that, so the sooner I do it, the better right? I hope so.

Results day is fast approaching, and I'm shitting bricks. The 16th of this month is D-day, I will find out if I will be attending university, or weather I'll be working in Greggs The Bakers for the rest of my life. Lord give me strength.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown just thinking about it all. There will be no more lazy days of doing nothing but lying in the sun and reading. It'll all be cleaning, studying, cooking, studying, paying bills and a bit more studying. How do people do it? It seems all too much already, and I'm still living the cushy lifestyle of my pink bed room, with pillows and teddies and my meals being made for me by my Dad and Step-mum.

Time to put my big girl pants on and make the move.

Being The Common Denominator

I'm not perfect. Nor have I ever claimed to be, but today, I discovered one of my most major flaws. I always blame everyone but myself. You're probably thinking that I'm the worst kind of person for that. I always think I'm the victim, no matter what the situation is.

As of late, I've been arguing a lot with my boyfriend and my brother, two of the most important men in my life, and I'm ruining everything. My brother has already pretty much divorced me as a sibling, and I feel like when I'm arguing with my boyfriend, I'm pushing him ever closer to ending the relationship with me. But even though I've often thrown my hands up and said 'Yes I said bad things. No I'm not an angel', I've always blamed the other person for the conflict.

I hate myself for this, and I'm going to try and change it, but I don't have much faith in myself. There's been many a time when I've told myself that I'm going to change because I'm being self destructive and I'm hurting others, but here I am telling myself the exact same thing for the umpteenth time.

I know that people argue, it's just a fact of life that you're not going to get on with everyone 100% of the time, but the amount of times that I'm in tears because I believe that the people who are around me are absolute tossers is ridiculous. It's time to realise that if I'm having so many conflicts with people so often, then maybe it's time that I did something about the common denominator, which just so happens to be yours truly.

So yes, this has been a whiny blog, once again. I apologise, I'll try not to fall into old habits, because I know that's VERY annoying.

Anyway, I promise that I'll try to be a little more optimistic in my next blog, the operative word being try.

Thanks for letting my have my rant, you may now go forth and forget this pointless text!

All my best.

She's back and there's a moral to the story...sort of

Being a teenager is never easy, I'm pretty sure everyone would agree. With so many raging hormones and every little problem being a disaster, many teenagers think that they have the worst life ever. With coming to nearly the end of my teenage years, I've realised that every little thing that I've been through as been a learning experience. I mean, everyone has a bit of drama in their life, without it we would be sitting around bored off our tits, twiddling our thumbs wondering when we're ever going to get off our backsides and do something. With every episode of our real life dramas in our teenage years, we can learn and grow into the adults that we want to become.

 I know better than anyone that we take our parents for granted, and even after realising this, I still do it, but I know that I'm going to shape my life and the person that I am around the big old people I've watched over the years. We can decide what traits we want to take on, and the ones we could live without. We can grow up and have kids and decided how to bring them up, whether we'll copy what our parents did or try a whole new technique.

 I know that this all sounds very melodramatic coming from and 18 year old (yeah I know, it's been THAT long) but I wonder, if I hadn't of figured all this out now, when would it have happened? I mean, I know I'm always going to be this immature, silly, over sensitive little girl, some times I feel as though I'm still 10 years old, but if I don't start growing up now, when will it happen? It's time to buckle down and start thinking about my future, what I want to do and how I'm going to do it. University is a big step, but if we don't move up and out, then where will we go?

 Anyway, that's my rant over for today. I've really missed blogging, and I didn't even realise it until I started tapping away at my laptop, who knows, maybe I'm back to stay?

Theres something wrong with me

I can't put my finger on it, I can't understand why I'm feeling like utter crap.

Well, theres been a few things, boys, mothers, exams, you know, the usual, but I've never been this down and out about it all before, I've never not wanted to be around the people I love, I've never wanted to stay in bed all day and hope to god that no one tries to get me out, I've never wanted to sit on my own and cry.

But here I am doing all of thee above, and I have no logical explanation to why I am doing it.

It sucks, that's all I can say, so here is a playlist of the songs that are tearing me up inside at the minute.

miserable at best - mayday parade
for the first time - the script
fucking perfect - pink
runnaway - pink
just the way you are - bruno mars (don't ask, too much detail to it!)
always attract - you me at six

and basically I've been listening to thse on a loop, and I know that the logical solution is to just stop listening to them and listen to something more uplifting, but you know when you're just not in the mood to listen to anything else, so it looks like I'm stuck with these for a while

Oh to be beautiful

I don't care what anyone says, Tyra Banks was just as beautiful before she lost loads of weight. In my opinion, you don't have to be skinny to be beautiful.

The other day I was made to buy a crop top. Now people who know me know that I'm no size 8 super model, so needless to say I was abrehensive about getting it because I'm not all too keen on showing a bit of flesh, and even now I'm wearing it thinking "can I really pull this off?"
But realistically, I'm not hanging over my jeans, infact, my jeans are too big for me, and although I'm not all that toned, I'm not exactly round, and I'm proud of my curves, so the answer is yes, I can pull it off.

People have told me in the past that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. My beholder tells me I'm beautiful whenever he gets the chance, and although I don't offen believe him, it gives you quite the confidence boost, and as soon as that confidence is injected into me, I feel far better about myself, I don't feel as big, or dry skinned, or limp haired, I feel like I'm loved because of who I am, I feel like I've grown into my body and now I suit it, I can't see myself anyother way.

so I guess that the key to beauty is confidence. You can be as big or small as you like and you'll still be beautful.
:)

good craic, mama mia and baby spoons

Trust me, I'll be the first one to throw my hands up and admit that over the past few months all I've bitched and moaned about is what has been going on with my mother and I. Sorry guys, but that's not about to stop here. Because to be honest, if I don't fully bitch off here, where can I do it. I mean sure, I can bitch and moan to friend and family and randomers who I causually bump into on the bus home (I don't do the latter btw) but I can't really tell them the whole lot because then I just feel like I'm being self absorbed and what not.

Anyone who knows me (and you don't even have to know me well) will know that I don't exactly tell you everything when you ask me what's wrong, but isn't that usually the case? Isn't there always something you want to keep to yourself, because you don't want other people to know how vunerable you're feeling?

Sure I laugh and joke on about it and everything when I'm talking about things that have upset me with my friends, but that's because if I don't laugh and take the piss, the likely hood is, I'm going to cry, and trust me, you don't want to see me when I cry, it's not the most attractive thing you'll ever see in your lifetime.

But this blog isn't about bitching and moaning about my so called life and blah blah blah, this blog is a big thank you to all the people you have taken the time to notice that when I'm laughing and joking on about the latest thing someone has done to hurt me, that I'm actually really upset about it inside. You know who you are, and I know that you're probably reading this. I don't really do well with expressing emotions in person, so I figured that this is the best way for me to tell you that I appreciate you being there for me, even though we don't really know each other that well

Thank you x

When the past digs itself right back up again

So this week at college will be pretty easy, on the grounds that I will barely be there, woooooooooooo :D

Today I went to a school with my geography class to teach small children about climate change, and it's affects. It was all good, we were a bit nervous at first, but as time got on, it got easier and easier, and even though the rest of my group really struggeled when a small class of disabled children came over, I was really in my eliment. I honestly believed it spurred my intention of becoming a teacher....

...That was until the past reared it's ugly chavvy head.

we got this class of about 7 kids, and they were all relatively canny. Not one bit of backchat, or snide comment, they were lovely, apart from this one little girl. Now, this little girl didn't make any snide comments, or be horrible in any way, apart from whispering to the equally chavvy girl sitting next to her, and looking at me and laughing, it was just the way she looked at made me instantly dislike her.

Okay, that sounds awful, let me explain myself.
Back in my old school, I was bullied by a chavvy girl, with an equally chavvy name. After a while, I realised that if it should ever come down to it, I could easily destroy this girl, but I prayed that it would never come to that, because I knew as much as I had the pyscial strength to take her on, I would never be able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I was intimidated by this tiny little girl, just because she reminded me of someone who used to bully me. It's kinda weird, because I was like, the member of authorty, I had more control over her than she did over me, so why was I still scared of her.

Stupid bloody kids -_-