Mark,There is so much I never said to you, so much I've been thinking about since we broke up, and if I don't get it off my chest its going to eat me up inside.
I'll start from when I broke up with you. It wasn't a mistake. I know deep down that I've done the right thing for both me and you. I said to myself "I'll not dwell on every moment I spent with him, I'll move on quickly and not be all mopey and annoying to others, I'm stronger than that." Basicly, I lied to myself. I did dwell on every moment, good and bad.
Sometimes I lie in bed and cry myself to sleep, remembering all the times we lay in the grass in the park and talked about anything and everything, remembering your lips on mine, remembering the way your big strong hands held mine, knotting your long thin fingers through my short pudgy ones. I cry over every petty argument we had, and wonder if we hadn't argued over them, would we still be together? I don't think so.
You haunt me. Where ever I go, even if your not physicly there, your with me. When I'm walking to and from school or the town, I look in every bus that passes and hope your on it, and you'll see me walking with my head held high, supposinly getting over you. Ever time I walk down the back lane on the way home I day dream about you waiting at the bottom of my street and I recite what I would say to you in my head, only to be bitterly dissapointed when your not there.
I have problems answering quiz questions on Myspace and Facebook. I can't answer "Eye Colour" without remembering the time we lay in the park and you told me my eyes were blue (when they are so clearly green) and we had a fun little argument consisting of "blue","Green","Blue","Green" ect. inbetween kisses, and to make sure you won the argument you held each kiss on for longer before I finaly give in to you.
I can't answer "Hair Colour" without remembering the times your brushed my hair away from my face when it was windy, and how (even when it was a mess) you told me you loved it, loved me.
I try to hide it from my friends, try pretending everythings okay and I'm just fine, but trying to hide it from myself is alot harder.
I don't know if I would ever take you back if you asked. This is for many reasons.
1) My mam found out about what you did when I was on holiday (or whenever you did it). She told me that you will never step foot in our house ever again, never mind sleep on our sofa.
2) I will not be hurt by you again. I won't let it happen. I Can't let it happen.
3) This is going to sound terrible but, I'm not sure I really loved you like I thought I did. I mean, I did love you, oh yes, I loved you so much, but I don't think In love with you, I've realised theres a difference. Maybe given more time I might have fallen properly in love with you, but more time was the one thing we never had, and thats what kills me.
4) It was always so awkward to go out with you. No, thats the wrong way to phrase it. It wasn't awkward to go out with you, but you never seemed to have time for me, like I was getting in the way of things, and you never seemed to want to go out with me if my friends were there, I can only remember two times when we went out with my friends. Plus you never seemed to want to invite me out with your friends. I think that might have been because of the age difference that people frowned upon (Two years isn't really alot) but so many people said we were great together so I would have thought that that would cancel the age difference out. Apprently not.
I miss you, so much. I think about you every morning I wake up and everynight before I go to sleep. I dream about you nearly everynight, and the nights I don't its because I havn't slept because of thinking about you.
You make me so angry, happy, sad, confused, loved up and pissed off all at the same time. scary huh? I'm so angry at you for letting our relationship go down the pan, but I blame myself more.
You piss me off when I think about all the times you shunned me, but I kick myself for not trying harder.
Its not just you that does this, its everyone else to. I'm greatfull for the people who told me your bad for me and to break up with you, because they were just looking out for me, but at the same time they piss me off for saying that. Im only greatful that they've stuck by me, like you promised to do but never did.
Promises, how many of them did you break?
Well, you deffiantly promised me that you would never cheat on me. Hah! I took absulute comfort in that, and then you pulled that away from me and it broke my heart.
I'm glad I wrote this letter, I would love a return but I know I won't get one because you'll never get this letter of mine.
Thanks For The Memories....
Holly
x
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