wednesday 26th august 00:05am
A few hours ago I broke up with Mark. Can't believe that after nearly five months I've broke up with him. Weird isn't it?
In my last Diary entry I was banging on about how brilliant life was with him, how heartbroken I would be if we broke up. Well I can tell you I'm not that heartbroken at all. Sure, it hurts. I'm going to miss making out on the grass with him and telling him I love him and snuggleing down in his arms, but I lived before him, I can live again after him.
I can't sleep, I think it must be an effect of the BreakUp, but I've decided to write a list of things that most people dont know about me! Sounds fun. Might give me something to do for a bit.
My List Of Things Most People Don't Know About Me!!
1) I love Twilight.
Okay, so most people know that, but what they don 't know is the reason I love Twilight. (No it's not Edward Cullen so you can shut up Grace)
Vampires. They fascinate me. I love reading about them, seeing pictures of them and watching films about them. I just love them. There was a time when I wanted to be one. Sad? Mehh, I dunno. I guess its just the mythical appeal they have that makes me like them, I like all things mythical. I like to thing their real, spices up life a little I think.
2)I'm terrified of hights.
Again, most people know this but I think its not heights I'm scared of, it's falling from them that scares me.
Aeroplanes and rollercoasters (apart from the ones that hang up-side-down for ages *shudder*) I have no problem with, in fact, I love them, but stick me ontop of a cliff or hill and I won't go anywhere near the edge and look down. Same with bridges. I'll not stand on a Bridge too long, especially rope bridges. You'll be very lucky if you ever get me across a rope bridge because im terrified it'll collapes.
3)Unless I'm sleeping with someone (and I don't mean in the sexual way, I mean in the "staying at a friends" way) I will not sleep facing a door. No way! I'm scared that I'll open my eyes and see someone standing at the door. Waiting. Waiting for what? I hear you say. Well I don't know, do I? Waiting to kill me maybe? I'd rather not think about it thanks.
4)The boy I consider to be my first boyfriend is Mark Anthony Grieves. I'd like to be able to say we're still friends but I don't think he can handle it. For four short months he made my life bareable. He was the one think I would bother looking good for. I did my best to be a good girlfriend. I tried to make myself look pretty for him, I dropped plans for him and the plans i couldn't drop I did my best to fit him into.
Then he did something that broke my heart. But you know what I did? I took it upon my self to make things better. I tried hard to make him like me more. Stupid right? People said it should be him trying to make me like him more, that it should be him trying to make things better, but no, it was me. Silly, naive little me. Things started to work out again after that. I foolishly ignored my friend's advice and made things better for us. Then he started acting awkward again and I knew exactly what was happening, He was going off me.
I won't go into details of how we broke up, all I'll say is that it was me who ended it. I didn't want to but I had to otherwise I'd be waiting around for a boy who didn't deserve my time.
I still have feelings for him, I guess I always will, but I'll move on. I hade a life before him, and I'll have one after him too.
5) Over a year ago I thought I had cancer. Twice actually. The first time I was scared. I was quite young and I didn't know what to do. After a while the lump I feared went away and I got on with my life. A short time after it came back with a vengance. It was bigger and more painful. I guess the reason I was scared of having cancer wasn't because I was afraid of dying, it was becasuse I didn't want it to restrict me. I didn't want people looking at me and whispering
"Gosh, she's so young and look whats happened to her," to their friends. I didn't want me friends to treat me any differently. The doctor gave me the all clear and I can tell you I weeped with releif but I still live in fear that one day it's likely that I will get cancer and everything I feared will happen to me.
8:46am In Bed.
Day one of being single again and it's pissing it down. Done what mother said I would do, woke up wondering if I've done the right thing. I think I have.
Meeting Grace at 12 at ParkLane to celebrate being single.
Had a rather rude awakening but Matthew, Brother From Hell, who tried removing the iPod chager from under my bed, thus wacking my on the head with it.
Think I may have caught a cold. Must remember to shut the bedroom window on rainy nights.
Need to pee. Must get up even if its just to prevent wetting myself.
11 Minutes Later
Brought a bottle of Iron Brew up to bed with me. Hey, its part of the "Getting Over Him" processe so I'm aloud. Can't wait for my Dippy Eggs. However, Must not sucumb to comfort eating. I've lost quite abit of weight and I refuse to put it back on just because I've ended a relationship.
The List Continues...
6)I once had a dream I'll never forget. I've never explained this dream to anyone before and I've always thought I would keep it to myself but things have changed now and I think I'm ready to tell people.
In my dream I was with a boy. I won't mention his name yet but I will later. I was walking down the street with him. His arm was draped around my sholders and my fingers were threaded through his on the hand that rested on my sholder. I remember feeling the weight of him arm, the warmth of his body. I remember how happy and safe I felt.
Later in the dream he kissed me. I could feel this lips on mine. It felt utterly amazing.
The dream took a turn for the worse when he dissapeared. I was so worried about him. I thought that he was dead.
I got on a bus (this is still in my dream) and went to my Gran's where a funeral was taking place. His funeral. I ran up the stairs and flung my bedroom door open where I saw the boy standing by my bed. He wore a red tee and faded blue jeans and he smiled at me. I remember running into his arms and feeling safe again and that where the dream ended.
I cried when it hit me that it was just a dream.
So what so special about that? Well, a few weeks later I went on my first date with Mark. We were walking back to the town from Hendon Park. He was looking ahead and I looked up at him and thats when I saw it. He was the boy from my dreams. Funnily enough, when we gathered the courage to hold hands and what not, we walked just like we walked in my dream and when we kissed it was like I was dreaming all over again.
Now that that ship has sunk I thought that maybe its time to let go of the dream. For four months my dream became a reality But now it looks like its dead.
7) I used to hate rice.
Not quite as deep and meaninful as the last few things on my list but I just thought I'd lighten the mood a little.
I don't hate rice anymore, in fact, I quite like rice. You can't have a curry without rice and in my opinion lemon chicken isn't the same without rice. You deffanately can't have chilli without rice (I thought I'd add that in for Grace's bennifit) But I don't like rice pudding. It's all white and sticky and lumpy......
.....I'll leave it up to your own imagionation to twist that. xD
8) I love watching Thrillers and scary movies.
I know it might not seem like it if you ever see me watching a scary movie because I tend to hide behind a pillow but I do love them. I like going to bed at night and replaying the movie in my head, changing bits to fit around me, including myself in the story. I like remembering chactors names and personalitys and making up new plots for them.
I don't particually like waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because i've had a nightmare. I don't like needing the loo but being too afraid to dangle my foot off the bed incase some montser or murderer grabs my ankle and pulls me under. However, I do quite like the thrill of legging it to the down the stairs, to the loo and back in the dark. I guess its all part of the package deal.
11:49am ParkLane
Waiting for Grace, I'm really early.
Theres a big, old, fat guy sitting on the bench near me eating a pasty. I keep catching him looking at me, Its a bit un-nearving.
Wish Grace would hurry up.
1:54pm Grace's Livingroom
Tim Minchin is also part of the healing processe.
I'n his own strange little way he is rather gorgeous and I feel no shame in saying that because Boyfriend, Well Ex-Boyfriend, of mine did more than just look at gorgeous others.
Love it how Tim Minchin doesn't wear shoes on stage. Not a huge fan of feet but it makes him different to other comedians.
He also has a pair of Gorgeous eyes....
Mark did too....
Shut up brain!!!!
4:31pm Grace's Room
Just had half a bottle of coke poured over me by Grace. It was an accident. It was rather funny.
Tim Minchin (L)
And The List Continues To Continue....
9) I have my own personal bubble.
I don't like people leaning or lying on me. I'm forever telling grace off for doing it.
I don't like being hugged unless I know its coming. Don't get me wrong, I like hugs and everything but I like to know it's coming.
Somepeople love sneak hugs but they just adgitate me.
10)I enjoy my own company. Maybe a bit too much. I'm constantly being called a Loner by my Brother and Father, but they don't understand that I like been left to my own thoughts.
It means that if I think of something sad I can have a good cry without anyone seeing.
11) I often go to bed and think of little storys and fantisies for myself.
I often plan out my future life which is good for the present me, not so good for the future me who is going to be extreamly dissapointed when the things I've planned don't happen.
12)I'm a worrier.
I lie in bed and I worry. I think it might be part of the reason I have mild insomnia.
I worry about little things like losing things, up to big things like the future and what not.
Some people might not believe that im a worrier because most of the time I don't let my worrys show, I put on a brave face and pretend that everything is okay. Only my close friends know how much I worry and even they havn't suffered the full extent of it.
13) I am probably the one person who is an exception to the rule "If the glass is half full, your an optimist. If its half empty, your a pessimist,"
If you ask me I'll tell you that the glass if half full but when stuck in a situation I always think its going to result in the worst possible outcome. Sure, if you tell me you have a problem i'll tell you everything is going to be alright but to myself I don't nessiserially believe what I'm saying.
There, I have thought of thought f thirteen things that alot of people don't know about me. Thirteen is what I aimed for so i'm pretty satisfied.
6:39pm Bedroom At Mam's
Decided to start over. Going to totaly De-Markafie my life and waste no time grieving over what could have been.
Step one- Stop wearing his bracelettes, hide them or something.
Step Two- Burn the picture I started drawing and never finished of me and him.
Have already deleted all soppy texts from him and the photo of us at the beach.
Step Three- Stop dwelling on the good times. Must remember the bad things he did.
Step Four- Concentrait on writing. Take my mind off him
Possible Step Five- Write a letter or E-Mail of things I wanted to say to him that I never did. Don't think I'll do this, Mat come across as a crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
Hopefully following these steps will get me back to normal for a new school year.
x
