When the past digs itself right back up again

So this week at college will be pretty easy, on the grounds that I will barely be there, woooooooooooo :D

Today I went to a school with my geography class to teach small children about climate change, and it's affects. It was all good, we were a bit nervous at first, but as time got on, it got easier and easier, and even though the rest of my group really struggeled when a small class of disabled children came over, I was really in my eliment. I honestly believed it spurred my intention of becoming a teacher....

...That was until the past reared it's ugly chavvy head.

we got this class of about 7 kids, and they were all relatively canny. Not one bit of backchat, or snide comment, they were lovely, apart from this one little girl. Now, this little girl didn't make any snide comments, or be horrible in any way, apart from whispering to the equally chavvy girl sitting next to her, and looking at me and laughing, it was just the way she looked at made me instantly dislike her.

Okay, that sounds awful, let me explain myself.
Back in my old school, I was bullied by a chavvy girl, with an equally chavvy name. After a while, I realised that if it should ever come down to it, I could easily destroy this girl, but I prayed that it would never come to that, because I knew as much as I had the pyscial strength to take her on, I would never be able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I was intimidated by this tiny little girl, just because she reminded me of someone who used to bully me. It's kinda weird, because I was like, the member of authorty, I had more control over her than she did over me, so why was I still scared of her.

Stupid bloody kids -_-

I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet

It's beyond weird when you wake up in the morning, have a nice shower, feel good about yourself and can't see anything wrong with the life you're living and then by the end of the day, be sick of your life.

Thats how my day has been.

I'm finding things hard at the minute. Nothing in particular really, just everything. I don't know whats got me like this really. I mean, I have everything I could ask for: good friend, lovely boyfriend, nice family (the majority of it) and a pretty active social life, but right now, I'm just not seeing the point anymore. I honestly think theres something wrong with me :P

Something that pretty much everyone should know about me is that I'm very paranoid and I have some serious trust issues. It all goes down to one thing really. I mean, I blog, but I'm under no false illusion that a)anyone (bar a few) actually give a fuck what I'm yabbering on about and B) What goes on here is secret and private. It's the internet for god's sake, of course it's not private.

In sociology today, I just wasn't with it. Its not that I didn't want to do the work, it's just I couldn't see the point of doing the work. I know it's obviously important, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it, but like I said, I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything at the minute.

A lad in my lesson sniggered when I said I used to keep a diary. Is that sad? Not the sniggering thing, but the keeping a diary thing?
Come to think of it, it does seem a little bit sad that I felt I couldn't talk to people that I had to write everything down in a little A5 polka dot notebook, but I can't even do that anymore, because it's got to the point where I can't even trust my Diary, or more to the point, people around my diary.

My last diary got read, ripped up, vandalised and bitched about by my own mother. I honestly think that this is where the trust issues stem from?
I don't know anymore to be honest