Theres something wrong with me

I can't put my finger on it, I can't understand why I'm feeling like utter crap.

Well, theres been a few things, boys, mothers, exams, you know, the usual, but I've never been this down and out about it all before, I've never not wanted to be around the people I love, I've never wanted to stay in bed all day and hope to god that no one tries to get me out, I've never wanted to sit on my own and cry.

But here I am doing all of thee above, and I have no logical explanation to why I am doing it.

It sucks, that's all I can say, so here is a playlist of the songs that are tearing me up inside at the minute.

miserable at best - mayday parade
for the first time - the script
fucking perfect - pink
runnaway - pink
just the way you are - bruno mars (don't ask, too much detail to it!)
always attract - you me at six

and basically I've been listening to thse on a loop, and I know that the logical solution is to just stop listening to them and listen to something more uplifting, but you know when you're just not in the mood to listen to anything else, so it looks like I'm stuck with these for a while

Oh to be beautiful

I don't care what anyone says, Tyra Banks was just as beautiful before she lost loads of weight. In my opinion, you don't have to be skinny to be beautiful.

The other day I was made to buy a crop top. Now people who know me know that I'm no size 8 super model, so needless to say I was abrehensive about getting it because I'm not all too keen on showing a bit of flesh, and even now I'm wearing it thinking "can I really pull this off?"
But realistically, I'm not hanging over my jeans, infact, my jeans are too big for me, and although I'm not all that toned, I'm not exactly round, and I'm proud of my curves, so the answer is yes, I can pull it off.

People have told me in the past that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. My beholder tells me I'm beautiful whenever he gets the chance, and although I don't offen believe him, it gives you quite the confidence boost, and as soon as that confidence is injected into me, I feel far better about myself, I don't feel as big, or dry skinned, or limp haired, I feel like I'm loved because of who I am, I feel like I've grown into my body and now I suit it, I can't see myself anyother way.

so I guess that the key to beauty is confidence. You can be as big or small as you like and you'll still be beautful.
:)

good craic, mama mia and baby spoons

Trust me, I'll be the first one to throw my hands up and admit that over the past few months all I've bitched and moaned about is what has been going on with my mother and I. Sorry guys, but that's not about to stop here. Because to be honest, if I don't fully bitch off here, where can I do it. I mean sure, I can bitch and moan to friend and family and randomers who I causually bump into on the bus home (I don't do the latter btw) but I can't really tell them the whole lot because then I just feel like I'm being self absorbed and what not.

Anyone who knows me (and you don't even have to know me well) will know that I don't exactly tell you everything when you ask me what's wrong, but isn't that usually the case? Isn't there always something you want to keep to yourself, because you don't want other people to know how vunerable you're feeling?

Sure I laugh and joke on about it and everything when I'm talking about things that have upset me with my friends, but that's because if I don't laugh and take the piss, the likely hood is, I'm going to cry, and trust me, you don't want to see me when I cry, it's not the most attractive thing you'll ever see in your lifetime.

But this blog isn't about bitching and moaning about my so called life and blah blah blah, this blog is a big thank you to all the people you have taken the time to notice that when I'm laughing and joking on about the latest thing someone has done to hurt me, that I'm actually really upset about it inside. You know who you are, and I know that you're probably reading this. I don't really do well with expressing emotions in person, so I figured that this is the best way for me to tell you that I appreciate you being there for me, even though we don't really know each other that well

Thank you x

When the past digs itself right back up again

So this week at college will be pretty easy, on the grounds that I will barely be there, woooooooooooo :D

Today I went to a school with my geography class to teach small children about climate change, and it's affects. It was all good, we were a bit nervous at first, but as time got on, it got easier and easier, and even though the rest of my group really struggeled when a small class of disabled children came over, I was really in my eliment. I honestly believed it spurred my intention of becoming a teacher....

...That was until the past reared it's ugly chavvy head.

we got this class of about 7 kids, and they were all relatively canny. Not one bit of backchat, or snide comment, they were lovely, apart from this one little girl. Now, this little girl didn't make any snide comments, or be horrible in any way, apart from whispering to the equally chavvy girl sitting next to her, and looking at me and laughing, it was just the way she looked at made me instantly dislike her.

Okay, that sounds awful, let me explain myself.
Back in my old school, I was bullied by a chavvy girl, with an equally chavvy name. After a while, I realised that if it should ever come down to it, I could easily destroy this girl, but I prayed that it would never come to that, because I knew as much as I had the pyscial strength to take her on, I would never be able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I was intimidated by this tiny little girl, just because she reminded me of someone who used to bully me. It's kinda weird, because I was like, the member of authorty, I had more control over her than she did over me, so why was I still scared of her.

Stupid bloody kids -_-

I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet

It's beyond weird when you wake up in the morning, have a nice shower, feel good about yourself and can't see anything wrong with the life you're living and then by the end of the day, be sick of your life.

Thats how my day has been.

I'm finding things hard at the minute. Nothing in particular really, just everything. I don't know whats got me like this really. I mean, I have everything I could ask for: good friend, lovely boyfriend, nice family (the majority of it) and a pretty active social life, but right now, I'm just not seeing the point anymore. I honestly think theres something wrong with me :P

Something that pretty much everyone should know about me is that I'm very paranoid and I have some serious trust issues. It all goes down to one thing really. I mean, I blog, but I'm under no false illusion that a)anyone (bar a few) actually give a fuck what I'm yabbering on about and B) What goes on here is secret and private. It's the internet for god's sake, of course it's not private.

In sociology today, I just wasn't with it. Its not that I didn't want to do the work, it's just I couldn't see the point of doing the work. I know it's obviously important, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it, but like I said, I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything at the minute.

A lad in my lesson sniggered when I said I used to keep a diary. Is that sad? Not the sniggering thing, but the keeping a diary thing?
Come to think of it, it does seem a little bit sad that I felt I couldn't talk to people that I had to write everything down in a little A5 polka dot notebook, but I can't even do that anymore, because it's got to the point where I can't even trust my Diary, or more to the point, people around my diary.

My last diary got read, ripped up, vandalised and bitched about by my own mother. I honestly think that this is where the trust issues stem from?
I don't know anymore to be honest

Oh you do make me laugh

So I had a pretty boring day
....until I signed onto formspring!
and I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life. Honestly, some of the questiosn people ask you are hilarious. They've made my day..if not creeped me out somewhat.

So heres to the anom formspringers, you have good craic

oh...and is it more than one person asking me questions?

Little Hans....okayyy normal

I've just been told off for playing on farmville in college.

Anyhoo. In pyschology I've been learning about Freud and his study on Little Hans.
Basically, Freud was a crack addict who believed that all little boys go through the oedipus complex around the age of 5 (and apperently girls do to, only it has a different name), and while going through this complex little boys will because sexually attracted to their mothers, want to 'get there dad out of the way' and want a bigger 'widdler'.
Freud basically said that the Id (the want want want side of consiousness) of Hans wanted to have sex with his mother, kill his dad and sister and what not, but the Ego of his consiousness was saying "you nutter, you can't possibly do that." and this is why Hans had strange dreams about Girraffs in bed, marrying his mother and plummers.

There is no real reason to why I am blogging about this, only really to point out that from the early age of 5, all boys think with their dicks.

I wish I could tell you this.

Dear Mam,
Is it really too much to ask to be treated the same as my brother? I know before I moved out I said that I felt second best to him, and the past 4 weeks has reenforced that feeling.

It might seem selfish, or petty, but why didn't you take me out for my birthday? Why didn't you even phone me. All I got was a text, and that was it.
Please don't spin the bullshit that you spent a lot on my birthday. I know my Driving licence was expensive, but you gave my brother that exact amount in money and you took him out for his birthday.
Matthew says that I can't have the best of both worlds, and I would get that if he got the same treatment, but he doesn't. You took him out for his birthday, and when he came over to dads, dad took him out for his birthay. Am I being selfish to want that aswel?

And as for not inviting me to matthew's birthday due. At first, I was pissed off, but now I'm just plain hurt, because you of all people, you, who I spent god knows how long complaining to when Dad took matthew to the football and left me on my own, should know how upset I get when I'm deliberatly excluded. It hurts and you didn't even think to text me to let me know of the plans.

I know that I should probably phone you, or text you to explain all this to you, because despite having all these issues with you, you're still my mother and I still want to have a realtionship with you, but why can't you pick up the phone and do it. After all, I'm still your daughter and you still want to have a relationship with me. I'm sick of being the one to make the effort to get in contact only to have it thrown back into my face.

Do you know how shit it makes you feel watching every girl in your class getting texts off their mothers wishing them luck for the exams and being the only girl staring blankly at her phone, just waiting for it to flash with a good luck text, and still be waiting for it after the exam thinking that it might just be network delay?

Why did you have to take the piss out of my dyslexia at christmas and new year?
Why did you have to degrade me?
Why did you have to hurt me?

from
your daughter

When life was so simple

Fair enough, when this photo was taken it was all stress stress stress.
But looking back now, it wasn't so hard compaired to life today. I would give anything to be going back to that study every morning, even wearing that uniform, rather than having to live my life now.

Everything was so simple back then

Okay, here we go...

so for my english coursework I'm having to write a 1000 word literary text about anything I want.

I've called it "Confessions Of A Geordy Lass" Because I thought, what would be easier than writing about my own life? And since I do a blog (unsuccsessfully) I thought it would a relatively good idea.

So as it turns out, I've already started it, and I have every intention of turning it into something big....
....well I say something big, I mean, every week...or month, I am going to put the latest installment up onto my blog.

However, as I have not entered as coursework yet I don't think I'm going to do it yet, just incase they think I've copied it off the internet or something, which is bound to happen :LL

so anyway, Just thought I'd let you know about that if anyone happens to be bothered about that subject.

Why are london buses red???

Well you'd be red to if you had to come every 10 minutes

(makes me laugh every time)

Harlequin ichthyosis

I spend a lot of time complaining about the many skin conditions I have, Exzma, Dermititous, Psoriasis and Folliciuitous. More than a lot of time, a stupid amount of time. I complain when It flares up, I complain about the medication, I complain that it isn't attractive. In fact, tomorrow I have to go to the doctors because the skin around my eyes has come extreamly painful and imflamed.

But today I re-descovered Harlequin ichthyosis (I'm not sure if that's spelt right). I had heard about it before, well, more like seen someone on the Jeremy Kyle show once who had it, and words cannot describe how guilty I felt when it hit me how hard it must be to live with this condition.

Harlequin ickthyosis is a sever skin condition. It is when the skin of a baby becomes really thick and dry. Where "normal" skin folds (as in the crook of your elbow, knees ect.) Harlequin skin cracks, think about how extreamly dry land cracks, in fact, it cracks pretty much all over, making movement very very hard. The eyes, ears and nose of the baby is very underdeveloped and in some cases not even visible. The eyes are pretty much completely red, and their dry lips are pulled back into a somewhat scary grimace. I'm not going to lie, when I saw a photo of a harlequin baby I was so shocked, I honestly thought that it was some sort of joke that someone had played on photoshop, but now I realise that it is no laughing matter.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on this, considering I've only just looked into it, but I know how much I scream and cry in pain when my exzma cracks, I can't begin to imagion how much pain these people must go through daily, and not once have I heard of these people complaining about how much pain they're in.

so henceforth, I am making it my New new years resolution not stop complaining about my skin and make an effort to me more considerate towards others.

...

so I feel like crap. I always mess up and take things too far. I didn't mean to hurt him, or offend him, but I did, and as usual I'm being the clingy, needy girlfriend and phoning, texting, emailing the works, just trying to make thing better, and all of my attempts are in vain because he doesn't want to talk to me, which i fair enough because I am a complete and utter bitch, I shouldn't have been so harsh and, just, URGH.

why do i always do this??