I Don't Want To Grow Up!

Recently my boyfriend and I have been talking about living together and in 3 weeks time we're hopefully going to do just that! I'll finally be flying the nest and moving into the big, bad world of adulthood, and it's scaring the living day lights out of me.

How do I know if I'm ready to grow up? I mean, I want nothing more in the world than to live with my lovely boyfriend, but I'm so used to having everything done for me, being wrapped up in bubble wrap and not having to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I can imagine no-one ever wants to leave that stage of their life, but it's inevitable, I know that, so the sooner I do it, the better right? I hope so.

Results day is fast approaching, and I'm shitting bricks. The 16th of this month is D-day, I will find out if I will be attending university, or weather I'll be working in Greggs The Bakers for the rest of my life. Lord give me strength.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown just thinking about it all. There will be no more lazy days of doing nothing but lying in the sun and reading. It'll all be cleaning, studying, cooking, studying, paying bills and a bit more studying. How do people do it? It seems all too much already, and I'm still living the cushy lifestyle of my pink bed room, with pillows and teddies and my meals being made for me by my Dad and Step-mum.

Time to put my big girl pants on and make the move.

Being The Common Denominator

I'm not perfect. Nor have I ever claimed to be, but today, I discovered one of my most major flaws. I always blame everyone but myself. You're probably thinking that I'm the worst kind of person for that. I always think I'm the victim, no matter what the situation is.

As of late, I've been arguing a lot with my boyfriend and my brother, two of the most important men in my life, and I'm ruining everything. My brother has already pretty much divorced me as a sibling, and I feel like when I'm arguing with my boyfriend, I'm pushing him ever closer to ending the relationship with me. But even though I've often thrown my hands up and said 'Yes I said bad things. No I'm not an angel', I've always blamed the other person for the conflict.

I hate myself for this, and I'm going to try and change it, but I don't have much faith in myself. There's been many a time when I've told myself that I'm going to change because I'm being self destructive and I'm hurting others, but here I am telling myself the exact same thing for the umpteenth time.

I know that people argue, it's just a fact of life that you're not going to get on with everyone 100% of the time, but the amount of times that I'm in tears because I believe that the people who are around me are absolute tossers is ridiculous. It's time to realise that if I'm having so many conflicts with people so often, then maybe it's time that I did something about the common denominator, which just so happens to be yours truly.

So yes, this has been a whiny blog, once again. I apologise, I'll try not to fall into old habits, because I know that's VERY annoying.

Anyway, I promise that I'll try to be a little more optimistic in my next blog, the operative word being try.

Thanks for letting my have my rant, you may now go forth and forget this pointless text!

All my best.

She's back and there's a moral to the story...sort of

Being a teenager is never easy, I'm pretty sure everyone would agree. With so many raging hormones and every little problem being a disaster, many teenagers think that they have the worst life ever. With coming to nearly the end of my teenage years, I've realised that every little thing that I've been through as been a learning experience. I mean, everyone has a bit of drama in their life, without it we would be sitting around bored off our tits, twiddling our thumbs wondering when we're ever going to get off our backsides and do something. With every episode of our real life dramas in our teenage years, we can learn and grow into the adults that we want to become.

 I know better than anyone that we take our parents for granted, and even after realising this, I still do it, but I know that I'm going to shape my life and the person that I am around the big old people I've watched over the years. We can decide what traits we want to take on, and the ones we could live without. We can grow up and have kids and decided how to bring them up, whether we'll copy what our parents did or try a whole new technique.

 I know that this all sounds very melodramatic coming from and 18 year old (yeah I know, it's been THAT long) but I wonder, if I hadn't of figured all this out now, when would it have happened? I mean, I know I'm always going to be this immature, silly, over sensitive little girl, some times I feel as though I'm still 10 years old, but if I don't start growing up now, when will it happen? It's time to buckle down and start thinking about my future, what I want to do and how I'm going to do it. University is a big step, but if we don't move up and out, then where will we go?

 Anyway, that's my rant over for today. I've really missed blogging, and I didn't even realise it until I started tapping away at my laptop, who knows, maybe I'm back to stay?

Theres something wrong with me

I can't put my finger on it, I can't understand why I'm feeling like utter crap.

Well, theres been a few things, boys, mothers, exams, you know, the usual, but I've never been this down and out about it all before, I've never not wanted to be around the people I love, I've never wanted to stay in bed all day and hope to god that no one tries to get me out, I've never wanted to sit on my own and cry.

But here I am doing all of thee above, and I have no logical explanation to why I am doing it.

It sucks, that's all I can say, so here is a playlist of the songs that are tearing me up inside at the minute.

miserable at best - mayday parade
for the first time - the script
fucking perfect - pink
runnaway - pink
just the way you are - bruno mars (don't ask, too much detail to it!)
always attract - you me at six

and basically I've been listening to thse on a loop, and I know that the logical solution is to just stop listening to them and listen to something more uplifting, but you know when you're just not in the mood to listen to anything else, so it looks like I'm stuck with these for a while

Oh to be beautiful

I don't care what anyone says, Tyra Banks was just as beautiful before she lost loads of weight. In my opinion, you don't have to be skinny to be beautiful.

The other day I was made to buy a crop top. Now people who know me know that I'm no size 8 super model, so needless to say I was abrehensive about getting it because I'm not all too keen on showing a bit of flesh, and even now I'm wearing it thinking "can I really pull this off?"
But realistically, I'm not hanging over my jeans, infact, my jeans are too big for me, and although I'm not all that toned, I'm not exactly round, and I'm proud of my curves, so the answer is yes, I can pull it off.

People have told me in the past that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. My beholder tells me I'm beautiful whenever he gets the chance, and although I don't offen believe him, it gives you quite the confidence boost, and as soon as that confidence is injected into me, I feel far better about myself, I don't feel as big, or dry skinned, or limp haired, I feel like I'm loved because of who I am, I feel like I've grown into my body and now I suit it, I can't see myself anyother way.

so I guess that the key to beauty is confidence. You can be as big or small as you like and you'll still be beautful.
:)

good craic, mama mia and baby spoons

Trust me, I'll be the first one to throw my hands up and admit that over the past few months all I've bitched and moaned about is what has been going on with my mother and I. Sorry guys, but that's not about to stop here. Because to be honest, if I don't fully bitch off here, where can I do it. I mean sure, I can bitch and moan to friend and family and randomers who I causually bump into on the bus home (I don't do the latter btw) but I can't really tell them the whole lot because then I just feel like I'm being self absorbed and what not.

Anyone who knows me (and you don't even have to know me well) will know that I don't exactly tell you everything when you ask me what's wrong, but isn't that usually the case? Isn't there always something you want to keep to yourself, because you don't want other people to know how vunerable you're feeling?

Sure I laugh and joke on about it and everything when I'm talking about things that have upset me with my friends, but that's because if I don't laugh and take the piss, the likely hood is, I'm going to cry, and trust me, you don't want to see me when I cry, it's not the most attractive thing you'll ever see in your lifetime.

But this blog isn't about bitching and moaning about my so called life and blah blah blah, this blog is a big thank you to all the people you have taken the time to notice that when I'm laughing and joking on about the latest thing someone has done to hurt me, that I'm actually really upset about it inside. You know who you are, and I know that you're probably reading this. I don't really do well with expressing emotions in person, so I figured that this is the best way for me to tell you that I appreciate you being there for me, even though we don't really know each other that well

Thank you x

When the past digs itself right back up again

So this week at college will be pretty easy, on the grounds that I will barely be there, woooooooooooo :D

Today I went to a school with my geography class to teach small children about climate change, and it's affects. It was all good, we were a bit nervous at first, but as time got on, it got easier and easier, and even though the rest of my group really struggeled when a small class of disabled children came over, I was really in my eliment. I honestly believed it spurred my intention of becoming a teacher....

...That was until the past reared it's ugly chavvy head.

we got this class of about 7 kids, and they were all relatively canny. Not one bit of backchat, or snide comment, they were lovely, apart from this one little girl. Now, this little girl didn't make any snide comments, or be horrible in any way, apart from whispering to the equally chavvy girl sitting next to her, and looking at me and laughing, it was just the way she looked at made me instantly dislike her.

Okay, that sounds awful, let me explain myself.
Back in my old school, I was bullied by a chavvy girl, with an equally chavvy name. After a while, I realised that if it should ever come down to it, I could easily destroy this girl, but I prayed that it would never come to that, because I knew as much as I had the pyscial strength to take her on, I would never be able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I was intimidated by this tiny little girl, just because she reminded me of someone who used to bully me. It's kinda weird, because I was like, the member of authorty, I had more control over her than she did over me, so why was I still scared of her.

Stupid bloody kids -_-

I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet

It's beyond weird when you wake up in the morning, have a nice shower, feel good about yourself and can't see anything wrong with the life you're living and then by the end of the day, be sick of your life.

Thats how my day has been.

I'm finding things hard at the minute. Nothing in particular really, just everything. I don't know whats got me like this really. I mean, I have everything I could ask for: good friend, lovely boyfriend, nice family (the majority of it) and a pretty active social life, but right now, I'm just not seeing the point anymore. I honestly think theres something wrong with me :P

Something that pretty much everyone should know about me is that I'm very paranoid and I have some serious trust issues. It all goes down to one thing really. I mean, I blog, but I'm under no false illusion that a)anyone (bar a few) actually give a fuck what I'm yabbering on about and B) What goes on here is secret and private. It's the internet for god's sake, of course it's not private.

In sociology today, I just wasn't with it. Its not that I didn't want to do the work, it's just I couldn't see the point of doing the work. I know it's obviously important, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it, but like I said, I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything at the minute.

A lad in my lesson sniggered when I said I used to keep a diary. Is that sad? Not the sniggering thing, but the keeping a diary thing?
Come to think of it, it does seem a little bit sad that I felt I couldn't talk to people that I had to write everything down in a little A5 polka dot notebook, but I can't even do that anymore, because it's got to the point where I can't even trust my Diary, or more to the point, people around my diary.

My last diary got read, ripped up, vandalised and bitched about by my own mother. I honestly think that this is where the trust issues stem from?
I don't know anymore to be honest

Oh you do make me laugh

So I had a pretty boring day
....until I signed onto formspring!
and I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life. Honestly, some of the questiosn people ask you are hilarious. They've made my day..if not creeped me out somewhat.

So heres to the anom formspringers, you have good craic

oh...and is it more than one person asking me questions?

Little Hans....okayyy normal

I've just been told off for playing on farmville in college.

Anyhoo. In pyschology I've been learning about Freud and his study on Little Hans.
Basically, Freud was a crack addict who believed that all little boys go through the oedipus complex around the age of 5 (and apperently girls do to, only it has a different name), and while going through this complex little boys will because sexually attracted to their mothers, want to 'get there dad out of the way' and want a bigger 'widdler'.
Freud basically said that the Id (the want want want side of consiousness) of Hans wanted to have sex with his mother, kill his dad and sister and what not, but the Ego of his consiousness was saying "you nutter, you can't possibly do that." and this is why Hans had strange dreams about Girraffs in bed, marrying his mother and plummers.

There is no real reason to why I am blogging about this, only really to point out that from the early age of 5, all boys think with their dicks.

I wish I could tell you this.

Dear Mam,
Is it really too much to ask to be treated the same as my brother? I know before I moved out I said that I felt second best to him, and the past 4 weeks has reenforced that feeling.

It might seem selfish, or petty, but why didn't you take me out for my birthday? Why didn't you even phone me. All I got was a text, and that was it.
Please don't spin the bullshit that you spent a lot on my birthday. I know my Driving licence was expensive, but you gave my brother that exact amount in money and you took him out for his birthday.
Matthew says that I can't have the best of both worlds, and I would get that if he got the same treatment, but he doesn't. You took him out for his birthday, and when he came over to dads, dad took him out for his birthay. Am I being selfish to want that aswel?

And as for not inviting me to matthew's birthday due. At first, I was pissed off, but now I'm just plain hurt, because you of all people, you, who I spent god knows how long complaining to when Dad took matthew to the football and left me on my own, should know how upset I get when I'm deliberatly excluded. It hurts and you didn't even think to text me to let me know of the plans.

I know that I should probably phone you, or text you to explain all this to you, because despite having all these issues with you, you're still my mother and I still want to have a realtionship with you, but why can't you pick up the phone and do it. After all, I'm still your daughter and you still want to have a relationship with me. I'm sick of being the one to make the effort to get in contact only to have it thrown back into my face.

Do you know how shit it makes you feel watching every girl in your class getting texts off their mothers wishing them luck for the exams and being the only girl staring blankly at her phone, just waiting for it to flash with a good luck text, and still be waiting for it after the exam thinking that it might just be network delay?

Why did you have to take the piss out of my dyslexia at christmas and new year?
Why did you have to degrade me?
Why did you have to hurt me?

from
your daughter

When life was so simple

Fair enough, when this photo was taken it was all stress stress stress.
But looking back now, it wasn't so hard compaired to life today. I would give anything to be going back to that study every morning, even wearing that uniform, rather than having to live my life now.

Everything was so simple back then

Okay, here we go...

so for my english coursework I'm having to write a 1000 word literary text about anything I want.

I've called it "Confessions Of A Geordy Lass" Because I thought, what would be easier than writing about my own life? And since I do a blog (unsuccsessfully) I thought it would a relatively good idea.

So as it turns out, I've already started it, and I have every intention of turning it into something big....
....well I say something big, I mean, every week...or month, I am going to put the latest installment up onto my blog.

However, as I have not entered as coursework yet I don't think I'm going to do it yet, just incase they think I've copied it off the internet or something, which is bound to happen :LL

so anyway, Just thought I'd let you know about that if anyone happens to be bothered about that subject.

Why are london buses red???

Well you'd be red to if you had to come every 10 minutes

(makes me laugh every time)

Harlequin ichthyosis

I spend a lot of time complaining about the many skin conditions I have, Exzma, Dermititous, Psoriasis and Folliciuitous. More than a lot of time, a stupid amount of time. I complain when It flares up, I complain about the medication, I complain that it isn't attractive. In fact, tomorrow I have to go to the doctors because the skin around my eyes has come extreamly painful and imflamed.

But today I re-descovered Harlequin ichthyosis (I'm not sure if that's spelt right). I had heard about it before, well, more like seen someone on the Jeremy Kyle show once who had it, and words cannot describe how guilty I felt when it hit me how hard it must be to live with this condition.

Harlequin ickthyosis is a sever skin condition. It is when the skin of a baby becomes really thick and dry. Where "normal" skin folds (as in the crook of your elbow, knees ect.) Harlequin skin cracks, think about how extreamly dry land cracks, in fact, it cracks pretty much all over, making movement very very hard. The eyes, ears and nose of the baby is very underdeveloped and in some cases not even visible. The eyes are pretty much completely red, and their dry lips are pulled back into a somewhat scary grimace. I'm not going to lie, when I saw a photo of a harlequin baby I was so shocked, I honestly thought that it was some sort of joke that someone had played on photoshop, but now I realise that it is no laughing matter.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on this, considering I've only just looked into it, but I know how much I scream and cry in pain when my exzma cracks, I can't begin to imagion how much pain these people must go through daily, and not once have I heard of these people complaining about how much pain they're in.

so henceforth, I am making it my New new years resolution not stop complaining about my skin and make an effort to me more considerate towards others.

...

so I feel like crap. I always mess up and take things too far. I didn't mean to hurt him, or offend him, but I did, and as usual I'm being the clingy, needy girlfriend and phoning, texting, emailing the works, just trying to make thing better, and all of my attempts are in vain because he doesn't want to talk to me, which i fair enough because I am a complete and utter bitch, I shouldn't have been so harsh and, just, URGH.

why do i always do this??

Because I'm not pathetic or anything like that...

In english today we watching "infamous" which is about Truman Capote's journey writing "in cold blood" which is a rather good book. I'd done a bit of background research before watching it, because I basically want to have some sort of insight to what influences Capote's writing, and I'm not ashamed to say, I actually cried twice at said movie.
It was just so sad! so so sad.
I won't ruin it for you incase you do decide to watch it, but it was amazing.
I'll just leave you with this image. Yes, that is Daniel Craig kissing Toby Jones :P

Kids these days...

....Yet again I haven't exactly remained loyal to my blog...mainly because I've been doing a vlog and I've been so busy with college and work and stuff, I haven't really found the time to blog, which sucks.
So I have a few things to update on since the last time I blogged.
I recently found out i'm dyslexic, therefore if my spelling or grammar is really bad, then I'm not having a bad day, so I'm sure you'll find it in your heart to forgive me :D

so, first things first.
This is just a small shout out to Rebound girl, if your reading this, hi, now please, stop stalking my blogs, I like that people are reading my blogs, don't get me wrong, I like that you're interested, however, interested for a whole different reason, now please, stop reading my blog, and stop lying to me, and stop contacting me, I want nothing more to do with you.
You know who are.

Anyway....
TIM MINCHIN!
ON SATURDAY!
ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so excited, like really really excited, that man is gorgeous, if I don't marry M , or Hailey Williams, then I'm marrying Tim Minchin.
not only am I seeing him, but I'm sitting like 4 rows from the front, and I'm not going to wear shoes, just for the irony :LL

anyhoooo I'm off because I'm watching my Tim Minchin Ready For This dvd :)
go buy it...or illegaly download it, whatever I don't care, just watch it, it's amazing :)

love you
xxx

Oh Brother...

It hit me today that no matter how old you are, and whatever the curcumstances, you always need your siblings.
They're are the ones that share your life with you, good times and bad. They'll be in pretty much every chapter of your life, heck, some chapters might even be all about them.

I have two brothers. My first being Matthew, the brother to which this blog is dedicated. I couldn't have asked for more of him today. When I needed him, he was there. We cried together, and for he first time in a long time, we hugged. Today was the day I left home. I went to my mother's to collect my things and transfer them to my dad's where I am living now.
Now, I'm not going to go into details to why I have moved out, but we can safely put it down to an argument that got out of hand.
I'm not going to try to make myself seem like the victim in all this, because I'm not completely innocent, I have my faults and I put my hands up and admit that. But anyway, Matthew helped me carry my things to the door, even when our mother was telling him to leave me, and he even stood between us as we screamed at each other and tried to stop us arguing.

The only words I clearly remember from today's ordeal was the words he spoke to me before I left the house. We were both crying, although in very different ways ( I was sobbing quite hard without bothering to try to hide it because come on, what was the point, and he was being all manly about it, trying to not let it show ) and we were waiting for my dad's car to turn around when he said,
"Just promise me one thing...You'll look after Joseph the way you looked after me"
That one sentence still brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat everytime I stop to think about it. It broke my heart to drive away from him, but I had to, otherwise I would never have done it.

I know I'll still see him, of course I will, and who know's, maybe not seeing each other so often will help us stop arguing all the time.
So, Matt, if you ever read this, Thank You for being there for me all the times I've needed you, and thanks for not holding grudges, and I know I never tell you, but I do actually love you, believe it or not :P

x

I am not proud of myself AT ALL

I have nothing to be proud of to be honest. I've spent the last few days feeling sorry for myself, watching Sex And The City and lying on the sofa thinking about getting a job. I did do a CV and filled out a couple of application forms, but right now I can't bother myself to do anything.
I have to go to my mother's tomorrow and collect a couple of my things. Oh yeah, I should explain that. I've been kicked out and am currently living with my dad. It isn't as bad as it seems, I've had a lot of support off by friend's, without them, I would be completely fooked, which wouldn't be good.
I'm bricking it for tomorrow I really am, I don't know how she's going to react to me showing up there.
Also, I know this is going to sound silly, but I've been having bad dreams about getting bad results on result day. If I don't do well, I'm going to be so dissapointed. I'm not bothered about french, I know I'm going to fail that any way, so I'm not all too bothered, but my Grandad was saying ealier this week "I bet you get A's in everything" Talk about pressure.
So that got me thinking
Why does people's opinions matter so much?
They shouldn't really, We should do our best for our selves, not because someone else says we should be good at something. Really, we should aim to acheive our own goals, not the goals out parents or friends set for us. Maybe if we did that we wouldn't feel so dissapointed if we don't achieve the goals we set, because then we're only letting our selves down and not everyone else, and I think that's why people get upset when they don't do as well as predicted, because they care too much about what other people thing of them.
So all I can say in conclusion is that in future we should set realistic goals for ourselves, and not set them because others tell us that we should be achieving more